Wednesday, 25 April 2007


I'm rather tired. D can't sleep either; he's tossing and turning and I thought at least one of us should have a chance at being able to sleep and I knew my being awake was disturbing him too. when i couldn't distract my mind from starting to write this post in my mind i knew it was me who'd have to get up.

I finally listened to my new Nine Inch Nails cd today. I'm loving the music, but I have a nagging feeling that it's going to be one of those cds I just can't listen to, because it disturbs me too much. I used to have Antichrist Superstar by Marilyn Manson, and I loved it, but it did my head in and in the end I just couldn't deal with having it in my living space and I gave it away. Year Zero might be the same for me. There is just so much going on that I can't deal.

In one of his previous CDs, there was a section that went:
i wanna do everything
i wanna be everywhere
i wanna f*ck everyone in the world
i wanna do something that matters

starting out as a murmur and repeating, louder and louder, until the frustration leaps out and beats you over the head. and i can relate to that feeling. It's past midnight so it's wednesday now. tomorrow will be thursday. and that's going to repeat, ad nauseam, until i'm dead and way, way beyond. and that can be a source of strength, i get that; no day, no matter how bad, can last forever. there is always something new to do. but sometimes, i wish something different would happen. the days would fall in a different order; january would follow october and be superceded by july. i love the seasons, each in their own different way, but by the end of each i'm bored. how much more would i love them if i never knew what to expect. *insert comment about the unpredictability of english weather here*

so i can understand that Trent wants to rip this world apart and start again, to make something different happen. But I don't get on well with such dystopian predictions of the future. it does my head in. and the amount of deconstruction, of searching for meaning, that is going on out there in nin forums (and the thought that there is almost certainly more to come, and more that is out there that hasn't been discovered).... i can't cope. the amount of time and money and effort that is being spent to sell an album? even if trent would argue that it's not to sell the album, it is the album, that is time and effort and money that could have been used to make a difference.

it's almost enough to make me wish he would go back on the drugs. but i wouldn't wish that on anyone.

i want something to change. i want to be out of debt, already. i want to rip the guts out of this place and start over from scratch. i want to keep d and my family (in which i include one of my best friends, just to be clear), but make over every other part of my life.

i have so little to do in work that i could cry. and, like the last time i was in this situation, i'm rapidly loosing faith in my skills and my capacity for hard work, and sinking into misery. (that last bit is probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but if you can't exaggerate when you can't sleep, then when can you?) and yet there are very few jobs out there that i can apply for, that would let me earn enough money to keep paying off the damned debts and stay on track for hopefully thinking about children next year. and i also know all the arguments about 'there's never a good time to have kids' but there are bad times and worse times, and right now would be a worse time. i could do a qualification; but i don't want to work hard for something i have no interest in when i don't see what i'm doing right now as a long term career. i could do something for the love of it; but that won't help me get out of that damned office right now. i'm moving towards 'for the love of it', but it's going to be hard.

i could move. but this is home, in a way nowhere has ever really been before. it is for d too; i doubt i could persuade him to move, even if i wanted to. especially if he knew i didn't really want to.

depression and addictions run in my family. mostly well contained and dealt with successfully, but the tendency is there. it scares me on nights like this. but i pray, and i don't even know who i pray to, that the fact i'm aware of it can mean that i can fight it off in myself.

so now i'll go and do my washing up and my ironing, because i can't stand the thought that they will be there when i wake up. when i've finished i'll make myself a hot drink and try to relax. And hopefully soon i'll be able to go to sleep. because i have to be able to smile in the morning, or i will not be able to make myself go to work.

i'm sorry about the incoherence and possibly slightly disturbing nature of this post. usual functions will return soon. i promise to try and keep any mention of trent reznor and nin to a minimum in future.


loria said...

you're not alone in any of this. i'm so frustrated about how so many years ago i thought i had it all figured out, and i was going to be saved by moving away. that never happened, and now i'm faced with the brutal reality, every day, that in order to get anything done, anything - i have to do it myself. and that thought alone immobilizes me, freezes me, forces me into a cycle of thinking that focuses me on just getting through today.

i want so much more than that... than this. yet, i'm still strangely held back.

depression doesn't run in my family, at least no one admits to it - and yet somehow i've been knocked down on my ass many times by it in the last few years.

so as little help as it may be to hep you sleep tonight, please know you are not alone in these feelings.

not by a longshot.

xx much much love from across the miles.

Anxious said...

All of that from listening to Nine inch nails!

Things seem worse when you can't sleep. I hope you got back to sleep and that things seemed better in the morning. It's a shame that debt has forced you to continue in this job which is obviously not doing you any good. Sounds like you need to focus on the goal (clearing the debt and making way for children), grit your teeth and see it as a means to an end. You'll get there.

As for depression running in your family - well, you'll just have to be the odd one out, won't you!

Take care

b said...

Well I didn't sleep for very long, but after that post I talked to a friend on yahoo messenger for while before doing my washing and ironing, as I said, and then reading. I know it was long after 2am before I went to bed but I decided I'd probably be less tired if I avoided looking at a clock. Seems to have worked; I don't feel too tired at all, although I'm sure it'll catch up with me later.

Loria: Thanks. it's good to know it's not just me who struggles. Your support always helps :)

anxious: i do strongly believe that some albums should come with a health warning like you get on cigarettes :) and yes, I was aware while i was posting that it was worse because it was night and things always seem worse when you can't sleep. Was good to talk to someone for a while before bed too - didn't really want to talk to anyone but i did think that my friend who was on might still be up and i was glad I checked. yes, the 'means to an end' thing is the way i need to go, for the minute at least; and knowing that you have a genetic tendency for depression (or whatever) certainly makes it easier to avoid doing things that might trigger it in yourself. I think that if i hadn't been aware of it in my teenage years i would be a complete, utter mess now (rather than just a temporary one when I can't sleep).

Thanks again both.