I finally listened to my new Nine Inch Nails cd today. I'm loving the music, but I have a nagging feeling that it's going to be one of those cds I just can't listen to, because it disturbs me too much. I used to have Antichrist Superstar by Marilyn Manson, and I loved it, but it did my head in and in the end I just couldn't deal with having it in my living space and I gave it away. Year Zero might be the same for me. There is just so much going on that I can't deal.
In one of his previous CDs, there was a section that went:
i wanna do everything
i wanna be everywhere
i wanna f*ck everyone in the world
i wanna do something that matters
starting out as a murmur and repeating, louder and louder, until the frustration leaps out and beats you over the head. and i can relate to that feeling. It's past midnight so it's wednesday now. tomorrow will be thursday. and that's going to repeat, ad nauseam, until i'm dead and way, way beyond. and that can be a source of strength, i get that; no day, no matter how bad, can last forever. there is always something new to do. but sometimes, i wish something different would happen. the days would fall in a different order; january would follow october and be superceded by july. i love the seasons, each in their own different way, but by the end of each i'm bored. how much more would i love them if i never knew what to expect. *insert comment about the unpredictability of english weather here*
so i can understand that Trent wants to rip this world apart and start again, to make something different happen. But I don't get on well with such dystopian predictions of the future. it does my head in. and the amount of deconstruction, of searching for meaning, that is going on out there in nin forums (and the thought that there is almost certainly more to come, and more that is out there that hasn't been discovered).... i can't cope. the amount of time and money and effort that is being spent to sell an album? even if trent would argue that it's not to sell the album, it is the album, that is time and effort and money that could have been used to make a difference.
it's almost enough to make me wish he would go back on the drugs. but i wouldn't wish that on anyone.
i want something to change. i want to be out of debt, already. i want to rip the guts out of this place and start over from scratch. i want to keep d and my family (in which i include one of my best friends, just to be clear), but make over every other part of my life.
i have so little to do in work that i could cry. and, like the last time i was in this situation, i'm rapidly loosing faith in my skills and my capacity for hard work, and sinking into misery. (that last bit is probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but if you can't exaggerate when you can't sleep, then when can you?) and yet there are very few jobs out there that i can apply for, that would let me earn enough money to keep paying off the damned debts and stay on track for hopefully thinking about children next year. and i also know all the arguments about 'there's never a good time to have kids' but there are bad times and worse times, and right now would be a worse time. i could do a qualification; but i don't want to work hard for something i have no interest in when i don't see what i'm doing right now as a long term career. i could do something for the love of it; but that won't help me get out of that damned office right now. i'm moving towards 'for the love of it', but it's going to be hard.
i could move. but this is home, in a way nowhere has ever really been before. it is for d too; i doubt i could persuade him to move, even if i wanted to. especially if he knew i didn't really want to.
depression and addictions run in my family. mostly well contained and dealt with successfully, but the tendency is there. it scares me on nights like this. but i pray, and i don't even know who i pray to, that the fact i'm aware of it can mean that i can fight it off in myself.
so now i'll go and do my washing up and my ironing, because i can't stand the thought that they will be there when i wake up. when i've finished i'll make myself a hot drink and
i'm sorry about the incoherence and possibly slightly disturbing nature of this post. usual functions will return soon. i promise to try and keep any mention of trent reznor and nin to a minimum in future.