Friday, 15 June 2007

I found out today that one of my old boyfriends has a kid.

With the girl he dumped me for.

He was the one who I always thought, in the evil place in the back of my brain, would be doing worse than me. Would never still be with her. Would be unemployed still. Would be a mess.

So. Fucking. Jealous.

(I got my assignment in on time. Thank Christ)


greavsie said...

Jealous is okay, as long as it passes.

Anxious said...

So he's got a kid - how does that mean he's doing better than you?

b said...

Because he's got a kid, and I haven't. and that's just not fair.

I've been talking to various people about this all day (including crying on my husband's shoulder, he is far better than I deserve) and I realise how irrational it is, but... I thought he'd still be with her but unemployed and broke. But he's still with her and has a job and a kid. And I want a kid so badly it hurts.

I don't begrudge him having a child. But I wanted to have one first.

(it's even more ridiculous because he's a few years older than me, so it's not *that* surprising that he would have kids first)

And greavsie, thanks. hopefully it will, soon.

The only reason I wanted to get back in touch with him is to apologise for how badly I treated him when we were together. I do still want to do that, but it seems a bit crazy to pay £7.50 on friendsreunited to get his email just to apologise.

(I'll understand if noone ever comes back here again. I realise I sound completely cuckoo.)

Anxious said...

I didn't realise how much you wanted kids. I'm sure your time will come.

I suppose I have a very different perspective, as someone who doesn't want kids. To me, someone having kids doesn't mean they're doing well. It just means they've had kids, like most people do... *yawn*

I'm more likely to be jealous of someone who lives in an interesting place, or has an interesting job in which they've been highly successful.

(Or who earns shedloads of money)

I have a particular friend who makes me feel a complete failure, because he's at the top of his profession, living in a big house in a nice part of London.

We all have things we're irrational about, I suppose.

b said...

I don't think I quite realised myself until I got quite so upset about it all.

And I'm just as likely to be jealous of people with a job they love or who earn lots of money or who grows all their own vegetables or who has a lovely house or *insert interesting thing here*. I seem to have more weak spots than I knew.

All my old boyfriends have done well after splitting up with me. But I suppose that's just how life will go, usually. If the relationship was wrong, you'll do better after splitting up. But I feel like I'm still so far off getting it right that I'll never get anywhere.

Time to get on with my course, I suppose. That's something that will help me move forward.

loria said...

i'm coming late to this discussion but I completely understand your feelings here.

i don't have the same feelings about children, but when i found out antonio was getting married? it completely destroyed me for a few days... and i thought i was over him.

truth is, i was still angry and hurt he left me the way he did, and in my head, he deserved to be unhappy forever. i still think he does. i sometimes find myself hoping this woman he's marrying ends up leaving him or he ends up hurting her... just something strange and irrational and totally unfair. still, i feel it.


l-q-s said...

Arriving equally late to this but wanted to say that I can understand this too. So many of my friends seem to be living the life they want to lead whereas, I (amusingly precisely because I have children) feel tied to one place and one job. I get lonely and think, "oh, everything would be different if I had Someone Special to be with!" and then it all goes downhill from there! I think it's a case of thinking the grass is always greener...

I've found, though, that there's a lot to be said for focussing on what one has to be greatful for. Not in a mushy way but simply to look at your life and start thinking of the things that really make you feel joyful. I know it sounds daft but it puts you in a different place. The first thing, I suppose, is to be thankful that you're in a loving relationship and that you can work on your plans for life as a couple, and as individuals. And then move on to the little things that brighten each day, like the books that you love, or the music that stirs something in you, or the sights that you see that bring something extra to your day. It can be quite hard to do this at the start because, so often, we get caught up in what we don't want and what we don't like. If you can turn it around, little by little, it can make a really huge difference.

b said...

Hi l-q-s, I don't know if you'll come back here to see this but as I've been away for the weekend this is the first chance I've had to reply.

Absolutely the grass is always greener! There are many things that I have that I sometimes forget I'm really lucky to have. One of my friends is chronically depressed, and I've made him text me three good things every day and I text three good things from my day to him. I didn't really think it would have a noticeable effect, but within days he was noticably happier. I've got out of the habit, but should get back into it. Focussing on the positive is always good. And at my friend's wedding this weekend, I remembered just how lucky I am to have my husband. Even if kids never happen, we are happy to have each other.

And loria I never replied to your comment either. i can relate, you know I can. I could still kick the daylights out of Antonio for treating you so badly and making you think you were the one to blame. I'm feeling better about the whole thing now. It still kinda hurts, but I can deal and see where the emotion is coming from.

Thanks all for your comments. They've helped.