Tuesday, 11 December 2007

unchristmassy

In previous years, christmas displays have been up from mid November. Nothing new went up this late. There were hundreds of them, or at least it seemed like it; most were relatively subdued, but some were so ridiculously OTT that I couldn't help but stare open mouthed when going past. And not in a good way.

This year, there are fewer displays. The ones that are there are more subdued, mostly, and they went up later; some have even gone up in the last week. Strange thing is, I have no idea why this has changed. Is it environmental concern? Denial about the proximity to christmas? Just the fact that everyone's sick of life this year?

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I am completely, hopelessly in denial about how close Christmas is. I enjoyed the christmas markets when i was away with my sister, but since i came back i've been miserable. i have about half my presents, but i can't seem to muster up any sense of urgency about getting the rest, and if i don't order them soon, they'll never arrive in time. i can't even make myself write the one single christmas card that i really need to (...my boss, due to a misunderstanding today about who the card i was handing her was from).

i don't want to tell anyone how sick of everything i am, because i'm heartily aware of how much worse some people have it. but this is backfiring because i don't feel able to say anything to anyone, because the words that are waiting to come out of my mouth are so full of misery.

and it's ridiculous, because things are not. that. bad. but because i won't tell anyone (except D who has been wonderful) they are feeling worse and worse.

so hopefully, now i've written it here, it will go away.

but i do hate how every so often i seem to have to post here about a panic i'm having. that isn't what i want this place to be. and i'm not asking for sympathy or advice or anything, although i won't bat it away. i just need to let this out.

i failed miserably at nanowrimo.

i am very far behind with my course.

i should have posted some work online for my course by saturday, and i still haven't done it. neither have i fed back on anyone else's.

i have a good theory that the lack of exercise recently is one of the major causes of all this. but still i'm too scared to just get out there and run or swim.

i know the answers. i'm just stopping myself from putting them into practice.

i am an idiot.

9 comments:

Imperatrix said...

You are *not* an idiot! In fact, you should stop saying such mean things about yourself, immediately (Hello Kettle, my name is Pot!) I saw a therapist for a while last year and that was one thing she told me was very important -- we really do internalize what we say to ourselves, and all the hurtful things we say in our minds count much more than what others might say about us (because our first instinct when we hear that someone said something mean is to get angry -- but we don't get angry when we are the one saying mean things).

it seems like the Christmas blahs have hit pretty hard everywhere. i don't know of anyone who feels in the spirit this year. Really!

Also, I think the vast majority of people fail miserably at nanowrimo, so you succeeded, see!

And it seemed from previous posts that you knew you were biting off more than you could chew these past few months. So, you aren't doing well in your course, so what? You can always bail out and try it at a later time, when you aren't promised to too many things at the same time, right?

*phew* Sorry for the long rant. I didn't mean to get all advice-y, I usually try to restrain that part of myself...

pierre l said...

I agree with Imperatrix that you are definitely not an idiot, and that you may have taken on too many things. I doubt that many people actually managed to write something daily in November. I am sure I didn't write daily comments, and that's a lot easier,
Remember that your loyal readers love you and are prepared to wait when there is a gap between posts.
And if you feel like telling us "how sick of everything i am", we'll read it and send virtual hugs and flowers; and if you don't, that's OK too.
*hugs*

loria said...

you are not an idiot, you're just human. we all suffer from these moments. just the other day i was sitting to watch a holiday special (Charlie Brown Christmas) when i felt so guilty that i wasn't getting things done i promised people (ahem. email to you, packages out, shopping...)

take time for yourself. and don't worry about tell us how sick of everything you are... we understand it and like everyone up there said... we'll read it and send what helps us all through times like this.

xx

b said...

imperatrix - i know all that, in one way, but I find it incredibly hard to actually stop when I'm looking in at myself, seeing all this self-defeating behaviour, and shaking my head in disgust.

strange how the lack of excitement about christmas seems to be international, isn't it?

i know hardly anyone wins nano... i wouldn't have minded so much if i'd got further. i do actually know from jano at the beginning of this year that i can write more than i did. i only did 12.7k words. that's not very many. if i'd got to 20k, 25k, 30k i would have been impressed.

the course i will not bail out on - i paid £560 to do it and would lose that and have to find it again, and the course only starts once a year. so something else will have to give; the only thing is, I have no clue what *can* give. other than, y'know, my sanity ;) and don't worry about getting advice-y, i think i needed it. thanks.

pierre, i wasn't doing the daily blog posting, i was doing the daily novel writing. and just thanks for your comments. it's nice to know that people out there care.

and loria, i know you know.

...what, 8 years after we started emailing, 7 years since we actually met, and you're still just the fabbest of the fab.

*group hugs*

b said...

ps the group hugs are for everyone, just in case that wasn't clear ;)

pierre l said...

Sorry I got confused about the daily thing... Thanks for the collective hugs. If you have to suspend writing to this blog, just tell us from time to time that you are OK, and we'll wait. After all,I've got kinja to tell me what's going on.
I hope you won't get deleted from the course if you miss your deadlines!

b said...

Oh don't worry about that, I just wanted to be clear :)

I won't suspend the blog, at the minute at least. I don't want to at all - posts just might not be so frequent. Writing here isn't related to what I do for my course, but it all helps, to my mind.

And the tutorial I am missing (although have finally started working on) isn't compulsory, just very useful. I'm a little worried about the 4th Jan deadline, but if absolutely necessary I'll ask for an extension.

Thanks again for commenting :)

John said...

The Christmas displays you seem to be lacking appear to have moved into The Girl's village. I've never seen so many bloody decorations in such a small place.

Chin up :)

b said...

That would explain it :) I knew they must have gone somewhere!