The worst thing -
No. Not the worst thing. Everything about this is the worst thing.
One of the many worst things about this is the loss of time. The feeling that we've lost a year in the race* to have children. A year that, in my early thirties, I just don't have.
By the time it happens again, by the time I actually have a baby in my arms (pleasepleaseplease), I'll be pushing 35, if not actually 35. And no, that's not much different to the 34 years and one month I would have been if this baby had been destined to be born. But it does make a difference. '35' is that magic number when suddenly you're considered to be old, in childbearing terms.
It's just so frustrating.
I miss this baby so much. It seems crazy, to miss something that was only ever a potential baby. Something that was destined never to be.
But I'm angry with it too. For wasting my time.
*I know it's not a race. But this was the word that came out, and although I considered changing it, it felt like the right word.