Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Fault

While delaying childbearing does increase the risk of miscarriage, it does not mean you deserve one. ...

It is worth remembering that women who delay childbearing usually do so in order to achieve a better balance in their lives. ... This benefits not only themselves, but their children; we may be at the lowest risk of miscarriage in our early 20s, but few of us would be the best mothers we could be at that age. Studies have shown that older mothers are likely to be more calm, relaxed, patient, and confident. They are also more likely to make time to enjoy their child, and are better at encouraging speech and independence in the child. ...

Whatever your reasons for waiting, they were the right reasons for you, and it is admirable to manage your life to try and achieve the best balance. While these chances may increase your risk of miscarriage, they do not mean you deserve one, or that you don't deserve children. And perhaps these same choices will make your home a happier one when you do become a mother.


This quote is taken from the book Avoiding Miscarriage by Susan Rousselot. It arrived in the post today and I read it from cover to cover as quickly as I could.

This quote in particular made me cry and cry.

I didn't even know how much guilt I was feeling about waiting until I'm in my thirties before trying. But it was the right choice for us. We weren't ready to take this step before now.

Rousselot wrote the book because it didn't exist when she needed it. When she couldn't find a publisher or an agent who was interested, she self-published it.

I'm still terrified that this will happen to me again. A book can't cure that. But I feel a tiny bit more positive now. That maybe even if this ends up happening to us again that I'll cope.

I still have a lot of grieving to do. For my own lost identity (I was going to be a mother; now I'm not. We were going to be a family of three; now we're not.) as well as for the baby we've lost. But I'm starting to feel that once the grief has started to ease, that we can take that chance. That we will be able to try again.

If you have concerns that you will have a miscarriage,
buy this book. If you've had a miscarriage and you're scared you'll have another, buy this book.

If you're a publisher or an agent, please contact Susan Rousselot. This book is well written and well presented and immensely important for the thousands and thousands of women out there who have suffered a miscarriage.


9 comments:

pierre l said...

Oh B, this post did have me in tears.
I have no soothing words to add.
Love. Pierre

B said...

Thank you Pierre. There are no words, but it helps when people are there.

Stephen Shieber said...

I'm glad you've found some comfort in what are sane and sensible words. Criminal that no one in the publishing industry has seen the need for such a book.
Thinking of you
S x

B said...

Thanks Stephen. xx

trousers said...

What's been said already: I hope those words you've quoted continue to nourish you and help you along.

x

B said...

Thanks trousers x

unp said...

I have never left a comment before, but as someone who is thinking of moving to Newcastle I have been enjoying your photographs for some time. My wife had a miscarriage in her late thirties (we met and married in our mid thirties). It was quite a blow, but within two years we had two healthy daughters who are now in their teens. There is no valid reason for you to feel guilty about what has happened. I hope it turns out well for you next time as it did for us.

Mosher said...

As ever, a post that fills me with emotion to the point where it's dripping from my eyes in liquid form.

I have friends in Bradford who are now on daughter 3... although they still have a little plaque dedicated to the little girl who would have been number 2. I was, frankly, staggered by their strength in getting over that terrible time to have another two children.

An old school friend of mine recently sent the emails around to say his wife had their first child - a son - after a miscarriage around 8 months ago.

I am in the early stages of a relationship with a woman who miscarried earlier this year. She is still not over it - she tells me so - but she is strong and her desire to try again is very much there.

I don't know you, B. But I can only say that your feelings aren't unique and however you choose to get over this - you will. Perhaps never completely, but only as you're the kind of person who cares.

But I hope it helps to know that you're not the only person who's gone through this.

As ever - virtual hugs from someone who appreciates your output on here.

B said...

unp - thank you. i hope so too.

mosh - things like this have somehow helped me. as has writing on here. you don't realise how many people have gone through this until you start talking about it. three of my aunts have lost babies; i didn't know about two of them until after this happened.

i'll never forget, but as mrs k said on the photo site - it's a room in my heart that i will visit less with time.

thanks. it helps to know i'm not alone.