Tuesday, 22 December 2009

I feel bad for being in the internet right now. For being able to blog and post photos and write, generally. Even when half of what I'm writing is about my miscarriage. About how crap it all is.

This really helped. There is no normal. There is no 'you should be feeling this'. 'You should be acting like this.' No one has said that I shouldn't be doing this. But I'm good at feeling that I'm doing something wrong.

I'm coping with this as best I can. And it really, really sucks. One of my friends said to me something along the lines of that I have to go through this - I can't just wake up and I'm all better. It's a process. A grieving process for someone I've never met. A grieving process for the person I wanted to be.

Talking online is part of that. For better or worse, it just is. It's part of who I am, what I do. I blog. I talk to friends via facebook, via email. Some days I meet friends for coffee and talk, and cry. Some days I write in my journal, and cry.

Some days I blog, and cry.

I can't explain it. But it helps.

5 comments:

Mosher said...

Of course it helps. It's what other people are for. Way back in ye old days you'd have gone as far as the coffee thing. Now you can release your pain to a lot more people via the phone, internet and so on.

A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. And getting something off your chest, talking about it, expressing it... it always helps. For a short while at first then as time goes on, for longer and longer.

You will be fine. Eventually. But in the meantime use everything at your disposal to make yourself feel better.

I've not heard anyone on here complaining yet.

pierre l said...

On the contrary, we would worry if you were silent. I am happy to listen if writing helps you.

Helen said...

I really understand this. Blogging and writing helped me enormously when I was struggling.

I wish I could take you to the coffee shop to listen. But as I can't I'm right here instead.xx

B said...

I didn't want to say explicitly in the post, but my concern is because I'm still off work. I keep wondering what my managers would say if they saw that I was blogging 'normal' stuff, as well as writing about the miscarriage. Still. My doctor keeps telling me that I'm dealing well, but that I need to be off still, to take time to grieve. Which, hell, she's right.

But I can't grieve every second of the day, which she also told me. She said I'm not allowed to punish myself if I find that I'm happy at some times.

I'm not doing so, really, But I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel bad whenever I do feel happy.

Thank you so much, Mosh, Pierre and Helen. I wish I could take you up on that coffee Helen.

Mosher said...

You shouldn't worry about what your bosses think. End of the day you're supposed to be working on getting back to normal. Part of that process is doing normal things.

Don't sweat it. I'm sure they'll understand. The last thing you need is one more thing on your mind.