Tuesday, 12 January 2010

backing away

I'm backing away from certain places, sidling closer to others. hoping to be accepted. hoping the people there don't push me away.

What keeps cropping up, again and again, is that 'normal' does not mean the same as it did before. i'm always going to be someone who lost her first child. i will move on from that, in time, but i will never forget. i will always love that child and long for him or her. any future children i might have will distract me from the pain, from the memories (can anyone concentrate on anything else when there is a newborn in the house?) but they'll never replace the one i lost. even though any children i have will be different now - D and i won't have the same family we would have had if we hadn't lost this baby - i will still wish we could have had this one, too.

selfish? then let me be selfish. i want the baby we created.

(i'm so self conscious of even appearing to talk like i expect future children to really happen. i'm so scared that we will never have a real live child. i've learned my lesson there. nothing is guaranteed.)

i was so bothered about crap that doesn't matter. D wanting to find out if it was a boy or a girl, me wanting to have a surprise. the amount of time and energy i spent worrying about that (and the irony that now i would kill to know, i don't want to call my baby 'it', and he never wants to find out... funny how things change). i tied myself in such knots. none of them matter any more.

if i was pregnant right now, knowing what i know now, i would want to know everything. everything they could possibly tell me. so that if anything went wrong, i could remember.

i feel in some kind of no man's land of pain. caught between a 'normal' miscarriage (and i know, i know; even a 'normal' miscarriage must hurt like hell, worse even when noone knew about the pregnancy so your friends don't understand and keep saying things to make things worse - but i was past 12 weeks dammit, i saw the heartbeat, why would anything go wrong? i was past the time for worrying) and a stillbirth.

i feel like i don't belong anywhere.

(i wish they had asked me in the hospital whether i wanted to see the baby. it would have been the size of a peach. it might have been deformed. it could have looked wrong. but i still wish i'd been asked. i wish i could have seen it.)

if your baby dies after the 14th week of pregnancy, the death will be investigated, even if it's the first miscarriage you have. but if it dies before that, they won't investigate unless you have three miscarriages in a row. even if you have two miscarriages, then one baby, then a miscarriage they won't investigate.

i didn't find out what had happened until well after week 14. but the baby had died four weeks before. ten days, or less, after we saw the baby dancing on the ultrasound.

i will never know what happened.

that stings. it cuts.


liz fenwick said...

There is nothing I can say ((()))s


Debs said...

Life can be really crap sometimes. x

B said...

thank you xx

Maddie said...

Hugs. I'm scared when I talk about future pregnancies like they're going to happen - like talking about them means they won't. But I think that the thought they might is the only thing keeping me going at the moment.

We made it to 34 weeks and then 4 days in the NICU. I really didn't expect to lose a baby at that point even though we'd known things were going to be complicated since 20 weeks. You read so many miracle stories about babies surviving in the NICU that you don't really acknowledge that not all of them do. And no one really talks about m/cs happening after 12 weeks.

We're always going to want our babies back - from what the women further down this track have told me, it just a matter of learning to live with this.

Maddie x

B said...

Thank you Maddie.

It does help to know other people are surviving the most horrible of situations.

why does this have to happen to anyone? i wouldn't wish it on anyone else instead of me... i just can't believe that it has to happen to anyone at all.

you're right, noone talks about the babies who don't make it. it's too terrifying to consider.

hugs to you too. thank you for commenting.