Friday, 22 January 2010

facebook

(or, as this excellent post renames it, 'in your f@cebook')

i deactivated my account a few days ago. i was picking at the scab, looking again and again at that last pregnancy announcement. i don't know why. it hurt every time.

it was a relief, deactivating.

since then, i've just reactivated it, once or twice a day. just to see what's going on. nothing much. nothing i can't live without.

i don't want to leave it activated until i know the addiction is broken. until i know i can just pop on once every few days and not obsess. not refresh again and again. waiting for something to happen.

i'm going to see if i can go the whole of today without going on at all.

3 comments:

Jorgelina said...

I'm the same with facebook...or as my fiance calls it "fakebook". I check, and check and check again...specially his...to see how he does have a life without me and I don't. :/
As many good things as facebook may have - keeping in touch, sharing photos with people who are far away, reunite with people, have fun with quizzes - it's also a bit destructive when someone is depressed, though. It's like sitting by the window at some pub and watching busy people walk past you while all you do is sit and wait for something...or for nothing.
I feel that way. I post stuff, lyrics, photos, videos, stuff from blogs, message my friends, comment on photos to have a laugh, and in my status I leak a bit of my depression and despair. I'm not so sure it's healthy, hardly anyone from my friends' list knows me as I am now and I feel I don't fit in...anywhere.
*shrugs*

B said...

It's good to know it's not just me that finds facebook really hard sometimes Jorgelina. (You sound really down, are you OK?)

i find blogging much more of a release, and that i get much more support that way, than facebook. you could start a blog....?!?!? (i don't think you have one?)

I didn't go on yesterday. I've been on again today, but we'll see...

Jorgelina said...

I "created" a blog, but I don't blog. I find it hard to write. I feel that I'd only write woe-is-me kind of stuff, and it makes me feel like I'm excusing myself or something - I've always had the feeling that being depressed was an excuse or at least that other people thought that way - encouraged by a little comment from my mom years ago. Years of therapy haven't released me from her spell!
I know being depressed it's not something you can control and that it just happens, but depressed people tend to feel guilty about it, or at least that's how I feel.

As for being ok, I'm not really ok. I'm trapped by fear. This past few months have been really hard on me because my fiance has made a group of "friends" at work, so they go out for a drink, or to play pool; stuff he'd never done in the 9 years that I've known him (yeah, 9 years and I haven't managed to move over to the UK, lame!). I feel he's grown as a person whereas me, I've grown backwards, back to the depressed, fearful, insecure person that I was 9 years ago. I haven't seen him since Nov. 08...harsh! It's been really hard, and him and his new friends have kind of pushed me to the edge. Bah...in part it's my fault for not packing up my bags and start living my life. It's not all up to me, though, and that's what kills me...

Anyway, too long...sorry.

I've always enjoyed reading your blog, I feel that it brings me closer to life in the UK, and particularly in Newcastle - I'm terrified of not fitting in!
I know it's enormously tough times for you at the moment and I know I don't have many words to say or help, but well, I hope it helps knowing that me and your other readers stand by you and have you and D in our thoughts and prayers.