the least little thing can be a minefield, these days.
the evening before i found out the baby had died, half an hour or so before i left for the evening, someone in work offered me a clementine. i hadn't seen any so far that winter. so i asked if she was sure. yes, she said. have all you want. we've got to feed you healthy food!
i've been buying clementines ever since then. they're always in the shops for christmas, for winter in general. and i love them. they are happy food. and healthy! what's not to love?
but i've just been watching them rot. throwing them away.
i can't eat them.
they remind me too much of that last happy evening.
food in general can be minefield. five days later, i sat in starbucks with D. tried to eat a gingerbread santa claus. but it made me cry. how could i eat him? it was wrong. he was smiling at me.
i have also cried trying to eat potato smiles.
it feels so stupid.
i even wanted to make a snow angel when the snow was really deep. i've never made a snow angel before. but i suspect that doing such a childish thing would have made me cry even more than food with smiles.
for anyone who wants to understand how crappy this whole thing is, this post is beautiful and poignant. i'm not infertile - we got pregnant, after all - but... it feels like we were on the verge of tasting this amazing thing called parenthood. only to have it snatched away when we least expected it.
it's good. worth a read.