Monday, 25 January 2010

now, almost exactly, is two months since we found out the baby had died.

it still hurts. it's going to hurt forever.

some days are better than others, but this day is bad.

(all these posts about my loss, and this is the first i tag 'grief'? how strange)


trousers said...

"it's going to hurt forever"

I can only speak of my own experience but, in terms of grief, I found that it never fully goes away (nor would I want it to), but there was, eventually, a point after which it was no longer a burden.

Which took a long time to realise.

I'm somehow reassured that you've used the word "grief", I'm not completely sure why but it's perhaps because I have my own connections with that word.

Then again I can also empathise with your anxiety in the early hours, as described a couple of posts ago. I hope you can find ways of managing such things - for there are plenty of ways.

Hoping you soon see better days than today xx

B said...

i should have said that more clearly trousers... it's not always going to be this bad, but... it's always going to be there. it's a strange thought.

you don't think, when you decide to have a baby, that you could be opening yourself to grief and pain. unless of course you've seen it happen to someone you know.

it's hard. but yes, in the end, the worse of the pain will stop stabbing at me. but i never want to forget.

Maddie said...

It hits me from time to time - that this is forever. Every year for the rest of my life I'm going to have a birthday for my daughter that isn't here. That always the innocent question 'how many kids do you have' is going to be hard for me to answer.

It really scared me in the start, the idea that this is forever. I think I'm starting (slowly) to come to terms with it.

lunarossa said...

I've got two children now but I still think about the lost one. I sometimes wonder how could she have been etc. But it helps so much to have my two...Hang on in there! Hugs. A

B said...

maddie, i think slowly is the only way we can come to terms with any of this. nothing about it will ever be simple.

thanks antonella. i hope one day i'm as lucky as you.