i've not really been anywhere the last few days. but today i need to get out. my mum is meant to be calling, but i'll just have to speak to her later.
starbucks is my coping mechanism. it's the place where i go to write in my journal. the place i go to process my thoughts, my emotions, my memories. i looked back at it last time i was in there - nearly all the entries since the beginning of december have been written sitting in there. often with tears rolling silently down my face.
it's a safe space. noone bothers me. if i'm there, i'm not looking at the piles of stuff lying round and about and feeling bad for not being able to do anything with them. or for not doing the washing up, or the ironing. if i'm there, i'm there. i can feel there. maybe somehow better than i can in other places.
i love orchids. but i'm bad at keeping them alive. they last, then the flowers fall. and i've never been able to make one flower a second time.
this morning, i noticed that the latest one - the one i was about to give up on. there are buds on it.
i seem to have achieved the impossible.
it fills me with a sense of hope and a sense of dread simultaneously.
oh, and just a random question. does anyone know where i could get hold of an mp3 of this - preferably this live version? i don't mind paying but can't find it online anywhere.