Friday, 22 January 2010

i've not really been anywhere the last few days. but today i need to get out. my mum is meant to be calling, but i'll just have to speak to her later.

starbucks is my coping mechanism. it's the place where i go to write in my journal. the place i go to process my thoughts, my emotions, my memories. i looked back at it last time i was in there - nearly all the entries since the beginning of december have been written sitting in there. often with tears rolling silently down my face.

it's a safe space. noone bothers me. if i'm there, i'm not looking at the piles of stuff lying round and about and feeling bad for not being able to do anything with them. or for not doing the washing up, or the ironing. if i'm there, i'm there. i can feel there. maybe somehow better than i can in other places.


i love orchids. but i'm bad at keeping them alive. they last, then the flowers fall. and i've never been able to make one flower a second time.

this morning, i noticed that the latest one - the one i was about to give up on. there are buds on it.

i seem to have achieved the impossible.

it fills me with a sense of hope and a sense of dread simultaneously.


oh, and just a random question. does anyone know where i could get hold of an mp3 of this - preferably this live version? i don't mind paying but can't find it online anywhere.


Caz said...

I am so sorry. There really arent words to describe the longing, the pain, the emptiness. When I lost my daughter so many people said "each day will be a little easier" what tosh. Gried is not linear! it is far more messy than that. The Band's gran (who is 90 and lost a baby 65 years ago) said "You will never get over this. It will be with you for the rest of your life". Believe it or not, I found that comforting. I don't want to "get over this". I want to cope, I want to live my life and experience joy, but of course I will always miss that little one who I had far too short a time with! Anyway, I hope thats not depressing, thinking of you. PS "I'll hold you in heaven" by Dr Jack Hayward (I think) is a brilliant short book on miscarriage, stillbirth, etc.

Imperatrix said...

Going backwards:

I'm sure that's a good mash-up, if I could understand what they're saying. (It took me about 20 minutes into it before I understood what the heck they were saying in the 1980s movie "The Commitments"!)

The Consort does orchids, and he says the only reason he can make them work is that he can use the Bio department's greenhouse to keep them in over the winter. That is one perk of orchids, though -- they look dry and ready to toss, and then, pop!, a bloom appears.

Could your mum go with you to Starbucks? Maybe if she promises not to talk? Sounds like a safe place, but an isolated one, too. When you're ready, remember you have people in your life who would like to be there -- anywhere -- with you.

B said...

Caz, if only it was as simple as 'every day is a little easier'.

i'm glad you found that comforting. i do too. i don't want to ever forget this little one. i want to have a real live baby still, but not to replace it. i'll always wish i could have had both.

Anyway, thanks for dropping in.

PI - I have no clue what he's saying either. could be anything :)

Keep your fingers crossed for me for the orchids?

And i wish my mum could come to starbucks with me :( she is nearly 200 miles away, so she can't unfortunately. (i meant phoning rather than coming to visit - it's not entirely clear in the post is it?!) she might come and visit this week though.

thank you.