Thursday, 14 January 2010

sometimes i wonder how much older i look since the end of november.

d just read this over my shoulder and told me i don't. it's nice, but i don't really believe him. i feel a hundred years older. surely i must look it too?


According to What to Expect when you're Expecting (584 pages long; one 11 page chapter on pregnancy loss and stillbirth, so less than 2% of the book [although miscarriage is mentioned in passing in two or three other places]. that seems really quite out of whack), anxiety is even more common following miscarriage than depression is. this and this would seem to bear that out.

and yes, for me, it's true. (although i'd be surprised if there are many women who, following a miscarriage, don't get some or all of the symptoms listed under 'acute stress disorder' on this page, and for more than a month.)

i'm incredibly anxious. i'm hoping it dies off, in time. but articles such as this - detailing how pregnancy complications are more likely following miscarriage - do nothing to reassure me.


Maddie said...

Every time I look in the mirror I'm surprised by how normal I look. Just like I did before. I feel like somehow I should look different.

A documentary I watched (Losing Layla) about a women who lost her baby the day she was born said she felt she should be marked in some way by the huge loss she's suffered. I feel a bit like that too - when I'm out in public I just look like everyone else. I've had a couple of dreams where I just tell everyone 'My baby died'.

I feel very anxious now - I'm going to accunpuncture to help with that and have gone through a lot of rescue remedy. I had a couple of panic attacks in the early weeks. It's completely normal.

As are feelings of depression. My doctor told me that if she gave my the checklist of depression symptons I'd qualify as 'depressed' but that's normal at this stage so they try not to prescribe anti-depressants. And I'd like to avoid them if I can. I do know some other girls that have ended up on them though.

Hugs and I hope the writing and sharing is helping.

lunarossa said...

So sorry you feel like this, but believe me, it will pass. You will feel better soon and your anxiety will disappear as well. When it happened to me I couldn't talk to anybody about it. I just felt like crying and then silly, as I had already a child and everybody would say "Oh you're lucky because you've already got one!". Yes, but what about the one I've just lost? Fortunately my parents were here in England for the summer and my mother helped me through it. I got pregnant again two years later and everything went well this time. Try to be positive if you can and think of the future. Big hugs. Ciao. A.

B said...

maddie, yes. sometimes i wonder if it would be better if we could wear mourning clothes and that people would know what they meant - that there was some outward sign, so other people knew without us having to explain. one of my sisters bought me vouchers for a massage place for christmas - I should really book that.

my doctor has mentioned anti depressants, but i tend to think that at this stage they just delay your grief. if i need them in the end, fair enough, but i don't want to take them unless i really have to. it's spotting when you really do is the hard part.....

thanks antonella. i wish i knew that one day i would really have a child of my own. it helps though to know that others have come out the other side.