if i say my baby died, people assume it was born and then died.
if i say i had a miscarriage, people assume it was before 12 weeks, and that it wasn't a baby that had every likelihood of surviving. (i keep coming back to that 0.6% less than 0.6%. six people in a thousand. why did it have to be us?)
if i say my baby was stillborn, i'm lying. even though that's what it most feels like to me.
i don't know what to call this thing that happened. i don't know details i feel i should. i was never offered the chance to hold it, to find out whether it was a boy or a girl. to find out why it didn't survive.
am i a mother? i've never given birth to a living child. so no. but. i was pregnant. i wanted my child. i loved my child. so. yes?
there is no answer. i'm in limbo. both one thing and other. both a mother and not.