Tuesday, 19 January 2010

we got married first. before all but one of our group of friends (and that one i didn't know til years afterwards). it was weird, actually. the rest have all been with their partners for years, but for two years, no one else was married. just us. it felt like we'd edged out onto a limb, and noone else followed.

it was such a relief when the rest of them started. now the last of us gets married this year.

and i kind of assumed that - seeing as we'd led the way on marriage - that we would be the first to have kids. it was just one of those things in my head.

but. i changed jobs. wanted to wait for the full maternity benefits to kick in. and D. his job wasn't realistic with kids. he changed jobs, to one he loves. where he doesn't work Saturdays. where he starts early but is home by six, every day.

and before all that was sorted, before we were ready to start. suddenly A had a kid. then K. then E and H. now J1 (our best man) has one too, and J2 is pregnant. and A and K are on their second.

but it was ok. because then i was pregnant. it worked out that four of us were going to be on maternity leave at the same time. i was so excited. so many of us with babies, all at once.

now it turns out there will still be four of the group on maternity at once.

it just turns out i'm not one of them.

suddenly i don't want to be part of the group anymore. it's just a reminder of what i have lost.

i will be in the last half of the group to have a baby.

and that. it's like a knife.

i feel stupid. for assuming i would be first.

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