Wednesday, 27 January 2010

winter.

i'm so glad - in so far as 'glad' can possibly describe it - that this happened in winter. and in one of the most wintery winters i've ever lived through.

the morning that we went to the ceremony*, the snow was at its worst. a neighbour had to help push our car out so we could get there. but it helped, that a blanket of snow covered everything. that the air was so cold. that everything was so abnormal. that the abnormal weather lasted so long.

i can't imagine this happening in summer. in sunshine and heat.

i can't imagine how i will deal with this, come summertime. come may, when the baby's due date would have been. come june and july and august, when i should be worrying about keeping a new baby cool in the heat. the baby will still be here, in the cold. in the snow.

i feel that as the days get longer - as the weather gets warmer and the sunshine returns - i will be leaving the baby behind.

i don't want to.



* i haven't mentioned it before, but the hospitals round here arrange a communal cremation ceremony for those parents who have lost their baby in hospital, and who want to attend. we went to ours a few weeks back. it was harrowing - i cried constantly - and there was a strong religious vibe, which really didn't suit us at all.

but it helped.

6 comments:

trousers said...

No words right now (again), just hugs xx

Kate.Kingsley said...

Approaching what would have been the due date is horrible. So many unfulfilled 'about now I / we would have been....'moments.

I was terrified, genuinely, about how I would cope, what would hapen to me that weekend, so in the end we went away (I might have already mentioned this to you ~ sorry if I'm repeating myself!) so that we weren't just sitting at home looking at each other for two days. And it really helped. We talked about the baby a lot, found a lot of closure. It didn't make things any less shit, but they were shit somewhere out of the ordinary so it felt less like more of the same.

lots of love to you sweetie, thinking of you xx

Maddie said...

I've got a draft post about what it's like to grieve in summer. Since Matilda died it's been sunny all the time and hot. The first few days it just seemed wrong. Now I'm not so sure - I think maybe it helps me and encourages me to go outside. The days I don't leave the house I spiral downwards.

I didn't think I was attached to Matilda's due date (Dec 11) because we always knew she was coming by c-section at least two weeks early and then I was admitted to hospital at 29 weeks and it was just a matter of holding on as long as possible as that stage. But just after I passed our due date something lifted - so I'm not sure if it was related or it was just the passage of time doing it's work.

Hugs on the ceremony. I want to go to the SIDS Christmas ceremony this year - they told us about it this year but it was still too early and raw for me.

Maddie x

B said...

thanks trousers.

thanks so much kate. (and i still need to reply to your texts and stuff... sorry!) i'm still not back to work yet, but they came out to speak to me this week, and have agreed that i can take that week as leave. we're not sure yet whether D can take the week, or at least two days, but if not i'll go to my mum's. i can't be at home driving myself mad.

maddie, i thought that after i posted, that it must be strange for you grieving in the summer. what i have found though is that at first i went out all the time, didn't stay in the house any longer than i needed to. but then my counsellor suggested a day when i didn't get out of bed, didn't expect anything of myself. just took time to just be. and it was horrendous, and scary, and painful to just sit there and let the grief descend. but that's what i did. and that's what needed to happen. and since then, the pain isn't quite so bad. it's more bearable.

this may or may not be helpful, but i thought i'd put it out there for you so you could see it.

thinking of you, anyway.

Maddie said...

Some people have tried to tell me keeping busy is the way through this right from the start. I've never thought that and up until now have done very little and not really left the house. It's given me time to think about it and process it. Maybe as time goes on I'll feel more like keeping busy but I'm trusting myself to figure out when this happens.

B said...

thinking of you still maddie x