i'm so glad - in so far as 'glad' can possibly describe it - that this happened in winter. and in one of the most wintery winters i've ever lived through.
the morning that we went to the ceremony*, the snow was at its worst. a neighbour had to help push our car out so we could get there. but it helped, that a blanket of snow covered everything. that the air was so cold. that everything was so abnormal. that the abnormal weather lasted so long.
i can't imagine this happening in summer. in sunshine and heat.
i can't imagine how i will deal with this, come summertime. come may, when the baby's due date would have been. come june and july and august, when i should be worrying about keeping a new baby cool in the heat. the baby will still be here, in the cold. in the snow.
i feel that as the days get longer - as the weather gets warmer and the sunshine returns - i will be leaving the baby behind.
i don't want to.
* i haven't mentioned it before, but the hospitals round here arrange a communal cremation ceremony for those parents who have lost their baby in hospital, and who want to attend. we went to ours a few weeks back. it was harrowing - i cried constantly - and there was a strong religious vibe, which really didn't suit us at all.
but it helped.