i have this hierarchy in my head, since losing this baby. of who i'm ok with. who i'd rather not see or speak to. preferably ever again.
i'm ok with people who are pregnant friends. my best friend J is due in the summer. i met her for breakfast on saturday. i asked how things are going, told her off for not showing me pictures from any of the three ultrasounds she has had so far. and even as i did so i was watching for the wince, the stab of pain from talking about something that should be so painful. but i was ok. her baby is not mine, and i don't begrudge her hers.
but pregnant people who don't think. who know, but don't remember, how much this loss has shattered me. them, i can't stand. i don't want to ever see again. those people, i begrudge their happiness. their joy. i still hope that everything will be fine for them. just far, far away from me.
but most people, and all actual babies, i'm fine with.
especially the ones who had to wait years, see time slipping away, before they held their babies - those are fine. the one who's gone through IVF and who may only get this one shot - oh god, she has to be ok. i can't take it if anything goes wrong for her.
the one who sent me a message three days after giving birth herself, who offered any love, support and help she could give. she's fine.
...and the ones who have suffered losses themselves?
they have to be ok. i need them to have happy endings. i need to believe that lightning isn't going to strike any more.
i wish my strength of will could guarantee this for all of you out there who have lost a baby and are still trying for another.