Tuesday, 2 February 2010

candlelight

i was brought up catholic. i'm not any more. but it always surprises me how many people around me are catholic.

i'm not catholic any more. but i still light candles.

whenever we're away from home and go into a church or cathedral, i find the candles. i light one and i pray for the dead and for the living. i pray, even though i don't believe any more there is anyone to pray to. it's almost genetic. something i just can't fight.

if i'm honest, i'm not convinced i want to.

i've not lit candles at home for a long long time. i went through the obligatory candle phase at university, and during the years of denial where i worked in a university and hung out exclusively with students. but since i got a place of my own it's just not been something i've done.

but since we lost the baby, i've been lighting candles. the evenings i feel particularly low, i light a black candle. i'm aware of it burning as i go about my evening.

it helps.

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yesterday, in York, we went into the Minster. i lit a candle and thought of the baby. thought about all of those out there who have lost their children. there are too, too many of us.

2 comments:

livemotionally said...

I was raised Catholic, too, so I totally relate to the habitual things we still do even though the faith isn't necessarily there. Funny how that stuff sticks, isn't it? Sometimes when I can't sleep I still say the same prayers I recited every night growing up. When I can't calm my mind, it just helps. And now that you mention it, I've been lighting a lot of candles lately, too. It's soothing and I see now it's possibly my connection with some higher power. Even though on an intellectual level I just can't go there. I do want so badly for there to be some reason for going through such heartbreak, though I really just don't believe it deep down. On some level, it does help.

B said...

What you said. I just nodded as I read all of that. I wish I could believe there was a point to it all, but I know there isn't. I'm kind of envious of those who can take that leap of faith.