a few days ago i got an email. from someone i hadn't heard from since we found out that the baby died.
i wasn't sure if she had heard. i'd asked someone to let a group of people know, and this first person was part of that group. so i emailed back, saying '...you did hear that i lost the baby?'
and that was crappy, but i hadn't heard from her, and i would expect to hear from her (she replied immediately she got the message saying what had happened, she's that kind of person, so i would have found it very hard to believe she had known and not got in touch). so at least she knows now.
and she said she'd like to meet up. to see me, just so she can make sure i'm ok.
and that will be nice. i want to see her. but for the first time, reading her email, i actually visualised what should be going on now. wedging myself behind the steering wheel. gossiping with my friends. gasping when it kicks. stepping back from people trying to grab my bump.
when i went into work yesterday, i was talking to one of my managers. and i said that it's going to be really hard going back. because this should be the time when i'm handing stuff over. when i'm planning for being off. instead, i'm going back to work. without any promise of a future pregnancy. without any promise that a future pregnancy will actually end in, you know, a baby.
it made me sad, is all.
i woke up with a sore throat and a headache. i took paracetamol and my swiss herbal drops. i didn't have to worry about them damaging my baby.
that's not right.