Saturday, 6 February 2010

a few days ago i got an email. from someone i hadn't heard from since we found out that the baby died.

i wasn't sure if she had heard. i'd asked someone to let a group of people know, and this first person was part of that group. so i emailed back, saying '...you did hear that i lost the baby?'

she hadn't.

and that was crappy, but i hadn't heard from her, and i would expect to hear from her (she replied immediately she got the message saying what had happened, she's that kind of person, so i would have found it very hard to believe she had known and not got in touch). so at least she knows now.

and she said she'd like to meet up. to see me, just so she can make sure i'm ok.

and that will be nice. i want to see her. but for the first time, reading her email, i actually visualised what should be going on now. wedging myself behind the steering wheel. gossiping with my friends. gasping when it kicks. stepping back from people trying to grab my bump.

when i went into work yesterday, i was talking to one of my managers. and i said that it's going to be really hard going back. because this should be the time when i'm handing stuff over. when i'm planning for being off. instead, i'm going back to work. without any promise of a future pregnancy. without any promise that a future pregnancy will actually end in, you know, a baby.

it made me sad, is all.

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i woke up with a sore throat and a headache. i took paracetamol and my swiss herbal drops. i didn't have to worry about them damaging my baby.

that's not right.

3 comments:

biojen said...

No, it's not right. I'm so sorry. I just keep hoping everything will get easier in time.

KuKd Chick said...

Hi again, bounced over to this blog (dude, how many blogs do ya have?? I can't keep track...)

To reiterate, I am really, really sorry. I completely get your sentiment. You're right: so many imagined realities now that don't do much good - if things had worked out, you'd be doing this instead of that. For me, I remember the fact of being able to drink beer again was really hurtful for a long time. Which is saying a lot, because I love beer.

Hang in there.

B said...

thank you jen x


KuKd chick, thanks for dropping by. i have far too many blogs, it's true :)

Thank you so much. I have those same mixed feelings about wine. not fair, is it?