Monday, 22 February 2010

lugging heavy bags around my manager's office, last week
i remembered lugging heavy boxes around my office, back before we knew the baby had died
and that temp telling me i shouldn't move them, i should let someone else do it
(i should be looking after my baby)
and i wondered. if that was why i miscarried
if it was my own fault


but there was a growth on the baby
they saw it on the scan with no heartbeat
(a probable marker of a chromosomal abnormality)


how could moving boxes cause that?


yet still. i wonder if i should be blaming myself.

---

i've been pretty antisocial since going back to work. i have my fill of people, of words, while i'm at work. i've not been commenting or writing here or supporting those who have helped support me, and i feel really bad about that.

so i just wanted to say that i'm still here. i'm still thinking of you all.

i'm coping as well as can be expected. which is to say that i'm exhausted and emotional and not dealing with things as well as i believe i should.

but i'm still getting up and going to work and doing as much as i can be expected to do.

what else can i do?

---

i just wish i could stop obsessing. about everything.

4 comments:

biojen said...

I'll say the same thing to you that you said to me (which I appreciated, by the way) No, no, no, it is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to cause that. If it was chromosomal than it happened way back when the egg or sperm was made, even before the two met.

Your blog is for you - you can write or not write whenever you feel like it. We'll be here when you need us. I hope it gets easier for you.

I know what you mean about the obsessing. It has taken the place of what should have been kick counts. "In the last hour I thought of Aiden 5 times, the hour before it was six." It doesn't seem like it will ever end.

I'm thinking of you, take care.

veganinthecountry said...

it's so easy to blame ourselves, isn't it? too easy. it just doesn't make any kind of sense that our babies are dead, does it?

thinking of you... and you're not alone.

pierre l said...

You are certainly not to blame.

we are here to support you. Just write as little or as much as you feel like.

Love. Pierre

B said...

jen, thank you. i believe it when other people say it. it sounds more rational coming from someone else.

i wish we were counting kicks right now :(

christie... yes. if i blame myself then i retain some measure of control. i can do something different next time around. i can make the outcome different.

if only all that were true.

thank you. it helps to know others are out here with me too.

pierre - thank you so much. the support really helps.