lugging heavy bags around my manager's office, last week
i remembered lugging heavy boxes around my office, back before we knew the baby had died
and that temp telling me i shouldn't move them, i should let someone else do it
(i should be looking after my baby)
and i wondered. if that was why i miscarried
if it was my own fault
but there was a growth on the baby
they saw it on the scan with no heartbeat
(a probable marker of a chromosomal abnormality)
how could moving boxes cause that?
yet still. i wonder if i should be blaming myself.
i've been pretty antisocial since going back to work. i have my fill of people, of words, while i'm at work. i've not been commenting or writing here or supporting those who have helped support me, and i feel really bad about that.
so i just wanted to say that i'm still here. i'm still thinking of you all.
i'm coping as well as can be expected. which is to say that i'm exhausted and emotional and not dealing with things as well as i believe i should.
but i'm still getting up and going to work and doing as much as i can be expected to do.
what else can i do?
i just wish i could stop obsessing. about everything.