i couldn't sleep last night. had to get up again after a mere ten minutes or so, because i needed to cry, and i didn't want to wake D up. no point in us both losing sleep.
i slept less than four hours in the end. was still in work before 9am. somehow.
yesterday and today, i've had to talk myself through being in work, a couple of hours at a time. 'you can make it to lunchtime, then you can go home.' 'well you made it this far, you might as well wait til 3.30.' '3.30 already? there's no point in leaving now, i'll wait for D to pick me up.' that kind of thing.
in the end i typed out an email to a friend. i couldn't make myself talk to my line manager, even though i knew i needed to. i didn't send the email but printed it out, took it along to my friend. asked her to read it so i could go talk to my boss.
she looked near tears herself, reading it.
funny thing is? she had been talking to another friend of mine about how much better i had been since coming back from leave. about how my body language had been more relaxed.
i started to wonder, then, if i really was losing it.
but anyway. she called my line manager and made her come along. when my line manager realised how upset i was she took me back to her office and looked after me til i'd calmed down enough to go home (by that time it was 4pm anyway). and she said that she knew i was having a tough time again this week, but she didn't want to upset me by talking about it if i didn't want to.
so i'm glad someone picked up on how miserable i've been. because when my friends said that i'd seemed better, i felt really weird.
but now i've had a good cry and realised that people still care and calmed down? i'm still low and exhausted and sick of grief. but i do feel better.
is there ever a time when this gut-wrenching grief completely goes away? or does it just become less frequent?
getting my period this month (more than any other) was like losing the baby all over again. i think the three month thing (that pregnancy is more likely in the three cycles following a miscarriage) not panning out for us has made me realise that i really did lose this baby. that if i get pregnant again, it will be a different child.
i want that.
but i want my first baby back too.
edited to add that tomorrow D is taking me out for fish and chips after work. says i deserve it.
he doesn't get my grief at all, i don't think. but mostly, he knows when i need him to support me. and that's enough, somehow.