Tuesday, 30 March 2010

i couldn't sleep last night. had to get up again after a mere ten minutes or so, because i needed to cry, and i didn't want to wake D up. no point in us both losing sleep.

i slept less than four hours in the end. was still in work before 9am. somehow.

yesterday and today, i've had to talk myself through being in work, a couple of hours at a time. 'you can make it to lunchtime, then you can go home.' 'well you made it this far, you might as well wait til 3.30.' '3.30 already? there's no point in leaving now, i'll wait for D to pick me up.' that kind of thing.

in the end i typed out an email to a friend. i couldn't make myself talk to my line manager, even though i knew i needed to. i didn't send the email but printed it out, took it along to my friend. asked her to read it so i could go talk to my boss.

she looked near tears herself, reading it.

funny thing is? she had been talking to another friend of mine about how much better i had been since coming back from leave. about how my body language had been more relaxed.

i started to wonder, then, if i really was losing it.

but anyway. she called my line manager and made her come along. when my line manager realised how upset i was she took me back to her office and looked after me til i'd calmed down enough to go home (by that time it was 4pm anyway). and she said that she knew i was having a tough time again this week, but she didn't want to upset me by talking about it if i didn't want to.

so i'm glad someone picked up on how miserable i've been. because when my friends said that i'd seemed better, i felt really weird.

but now i've had a good cry and realised that people still care and calmed down? i'm still low and exhausted and sick of grief. but i do feel better.

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is there ever a time when this gut-wrenching grief completely goes away? or does it just become less frequent?

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getting my period this month (more than any other) was like losing the baby all over again. i think the three month thing (that pregnancy is more likely in the three cycles following a miscarriage) not panning out for us has made me realise that i really did lose this baby. that if i get pregnant again, it will be a different child.

i want that.

but i want my first baby back too.

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edited to add that tomorrow D is taking me out for fish and chips after work. says i deserve it.

he doesn't get my grief at all, i don't think. but mostly, he knows when i need him to support me. and that's enough, somehow.

8 comments:

Maddie said...

Hugs. I keep having nightmares so not getting much sleep either.

Maddie x

B said...

it sucks, doesn't it?

thanks maddie. hugs to you too. xx

lis said...

im so very sorry to hear you recant the very feelings and scenarios i have lived. my hope is that nobody should have to follow this path of a grieving mother. its just SO NOT FAIR. and it never ever will be. i remember the days of trying to get by minute by minute, hour by hour and my mantra "god help me" which i said nonstop to myself in a whisper.

the grief will start to ebb and flow like the tide, (not soon enough) but there are days, (like today for me) where it is all too real and fresh and you end up re-living it all over again.

men and women grieve differently. reading up on it made it more real to me, and a bit more understandable, if not more easy to understand. i saw a glimmer of my husband's pain one night when we were talking and realized that he is, in some ways, worse off than me because he lacks the online (and infrequent IRL) support of people who understand.

xoxo
enjoy your dinner tomorrow ill bet fish n chips are excellent where you live!

Jorgelina said...

*hugs*

Catherine W said...

Oh sweetheart. That three month thing didn't work for me either. Of course you still want your first baby back, I think you always will. It's just a result of all the love you have for your child.

Personally, I don't think that grief ever goes away. But it certainly changes and pops up wearing its 'gut wrenching' aspect less frequently as time passes.

Take it easy on yourself and enjoy your fish and chip supper! Yum yum. xo

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry for how bad things are right now. Grief - it gets less acute and less like your insides are tearing with each breath. I can't promise that it goes away completely (I'm still waiting) but it does, slowly, get easier to bear.

Thinking of you.

Stephen Shieber said...

Thinking of you in your grief and pain. Lots of hugs
Stephen

B said...

i'm going through all these old posts that i've not replied to comments on and i just feel like i'm saying 'thank you', 'thank you' but i really do appreciate every comment. everything everyone says.

thank you for being here for me xx