Monday, 1 March 2010

irony, and maybe hope.

the acupuncturist specialising in fertility who was recommended to me by a lovely friend?

is currently on maternity leave.

you couldn't make this shit up.

---

i don't know if there has been a single sunny day since 25th november last year.

that afternoon was sunny. a beautiful autumn afternoon. i remember thinking what a gorgeous day it was when D and i arrived at the hospital. before everything went to shit.

since then? i don't remember a single ray of sunshine. of course, it could be that i just haven't noticed. but i don't honestly think so.

this morning though. i opened the front door. and the sun's light fell on my face.

(i've been feeling very nervous. about the end of winter. about the start of spring. my favourite time of year, but i don't want the winter to end. how can it, when i'm still mourning? i don't want the spring to begin. spring is all about new life. how can spring begin? i'm not pregnant. there is no new life in this house. i don't want to see daffodils preparing to flower and birds beginning to nest. i don't want the world to be fertile. not if i don't know if i am.)

but. this morning. the sun shone. the air was sharp-cold, but the light was golden. and when i walked to work at lunch, the sun shone. and...

it kind of felt good.

i kind of felt like i could cope.

---

i don't think that spring has started yet. i take the beginning of spring to be 21st march (... and it's not coincidental that that date is our wedding anniversary). but it hasn't escaped me that today is 1st march.

(it's also my first full day back in work.)

---

irony, and maybe hope.

new beginnings all around. a new cycle started a day or two back.

maybe. maybe this will be the one.

5 comments:

trousers said...

Haven't commented in a little while but wanted you to know I'm still reading, and hoping.x

Kate.Kingsley said...

Oh no Beth! Seriously, what a twisted irony there is to that :-/

Hope you're doing Ok and that work wasn't too bad, been thinking of you. Lots of love sweetie xx

biojen said...

That's bad irony, there. I'm glad you had a moment of hope - I hope you more of those. I feel the same way about spring - I can't wait for the sunshine and warmth, but I don't want to leave the winter behind. It feels so much like leaving Aiden behind.

You take care. I'll cross my fingers for you.

CaDaLily said...

Let the weather affect you, let it infect you with hope and life and love for everything. It's intoxicating and you deserve to be happy and hopeful again!

B said...

thank you all.

i want to say something else but there isn't anything... just thank you. it helps to know people are out there.