Tuesday, 9 March 2010

manual handling

firstly something i've been meaning to say for a while.

i haven't been answering comments so much on my site.

(i haven't been very vocal anywhere, really.)

but i really, really, love it when people take the time to comment here. it really means a lot when people talk. i just kind of feel sometimes that i can only scream in the darkness. it doesn't mean that i don't hear the voices of those who talk back to me, who keep me calm. those voices help to keep me going when i don't want to. but answering is somehow really hard.

anyway. all i'm trying to say is thank you.

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this morning i was on a course.

manual handling.

not at my own office. at a different one. i'd arranged to leave with a friend of mine who was doing the same course. i'd told her that i was scared i was going to forget, so not to leave without me.

what i didn't expect is that i would oversleep and decide to just go into work late.

and completely, utterly forget.

i'm just glad she called my mobile to see where i was. but even when she called, i still didn't remember. i didn't understand at first when she asked when we would be leaving. and then, it all came flooding back. along with a large sense of panic.

i ended up calling a taxi and paying a fare (£12) i can't claim back, instead of a bus and metro fare i could. because, for some strange reason, work don't pay extra for my forgetfulness.

i've never done anything like that before. never in my working life.

-----

manual handling. moving things around. picking them up in such a way as not to injure yourself.

what's relevant? the task; the individual; the load; the environment.

yes. the individual. so it's relevant to talk about what might make a difference. the person's height or strength or medical conditions.

or? pregnancy.

it's relevant, and necessary, to say that carrying heavy loads is more difficult while in the later stages of pregnancy. to mention trying to pick things up safely with a bump.

and when you are trying to demonstrate the difficulties of picking things up that have a shifting centre of gravity, or that don't want to cooperate? it's relevant to use the example of a child.

and it's strange, but that didn't make me cry. it just made me feel hollow. both metaphorically and literally. i would have been seven months pregnant by now. today, sitting in that training room, trying not to think, i felt the space in my insides. where my baby should have been.

-----

what made my voice break, just a little, was asking the trainer at the coffee break whether pregnancy or children would be mentioned again. he said no. i told him, my voice breaking only a little, that i'd lost my baby at the end of last year.

he started to apologise. but how could he have known? just one of those things.

-----

it wasn't even what he was saying, you know.

it was his enthusiasm. his sheer joy. his 'aren't children brilliant?' kind of attitude.

it made me long for what i do not have.

for what i fear i'll never, ever have.

7 comments:

Catherine W said...

I do so, so hope that you will have children one day B. I know how much you love, wanted and cherished your baby and you will be a wonderful mama one of these days.

Manual handling is just ick. Even without forgetting and having to pay out £12 to go to the s*dding thing. Certainly without pregnancy and children being mentioned all the time. Geesh, it is just so darn unavoidable isn't it and all pregnancy and baby talk just makes me want to run away and hide in a cupboard. xo

biojen said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry about that. The reminders are just awful. I'm listening - you don't have to answer. I know how it is to get overwhelmed or just not feel like writing to a specific person.

Take care B, I hope you get to take home a baby, really soon.

Catherine W said...

Clumsy turn of phrase in my comment above. You already ARE a wonderful mama B. I hope you know that I think that already but I didn't want my stupid tense mix-up to go uncorrected. x

Stephen Shieber said...

Well done you, for being so brave -even though you probably don't feel like you were. And remember, you're not screaming alone!

Sxxx

Helen said...

I'm here, still listening. x

Shelley said...

Scary when you forget something like your course, isn't it? I did it all the time when I was really stressed at work. Your stress is from a different source, but forgetfulness is understandable all the same.

Is there any sort of support group around here for women who have miscarried? It might help to talk with others who have been through the same and beyond. Just a thought.

B said...

Catherine - thank you (and thank you for the clarification - I really appreciate it - but you have no need to apologise for the slip of phrase... I know what you mean.)

I wish I knew it was going to happen.

I miss my baby :(

thank you jen. you are lovely.

thank you so much stephen.

thanks for listening helen.

i'm not sure shelley but i might ask around. i'm not sure if it's something that would be helpful right now but it might well be in the future. thanks for the suggestion.

i'm crying here now. it's been a hard day. but thank you all for caring about me and for supporting me when i need it. xxx