my duties have changed in work.
and that's possibly a good thing for my mental health, as my husband pointed out. and it makes sense what has happened, from many points of view.
but for reasons i can't really share, it has really really upset me.
and now i wish i was anon again, so i could really vent.
but i'm not. hey ho. i'll wait for D to get home and cry at him.
for the minute, though, i'll talk about something else. something that's been kind of disturbing me for a while.
after the first scan - the one in which the baby was alive and couldn't keep still - we had pictures.
three of them. one OK, and two pretty naff.
(it wouldn't keep still for long enough for us to get a decent shot)
and i scanned the pics that night. emailed them to my family and close friends. in the end i posted one on facebook.
and i printed four more copies.
one went to my mum and dad.
one went to D's mum and stepdad.
one went to D's grandma and grandad.
and the last?
it went to my desk drawer in work.
one of the first things i thought of when phoning work to tell them what had happened was that i wanted my line manager to find the photo for me and bring it to me when she came out for a home visit.
so i asked her. she said fine.
she told me later that she got one of my friends from work to help her look through the drawer. then the rest of my drawers.
and the picture?
it wasn't there.
i have searched through my stuff in work. searched and searched. the picture has disappeared.
it's not there.
i have hardly any evidence that this baby ever actually existed. and i know where all the evidence is.
except that one photo.
and i want it back. so, so badly.
and i don't know where to look.
it makes me really anxious. that this one photo is missing.
and i don't know what to do.
i'm kind of hoping that posting about it will make it reappear.