Sunday, 28 March 2010

my sister and her boyfriend left an hour or so after staying the weekend

and i got a negative this morning

and i'm convinced that i'll never actually have a baby

and it's less than six weeks to when my baby would have been due

and i go back to work tomorrow after just over a week off

and there is so much shit i haven't done

and the clocks went forward last night

and i'm just exhausted and sad and sick of being like this.

(edited to add that after posting this i dragged D out for a walk round the block as it's sunny today and i needed to get out. i feel a little better for it, but i'm still very, very sad today. and it's kind of taken me by surprise.)


Jorgelina said...


Not much to say, just to remind you that you're doing so many more things you didn't think you'd be able to manage doing not too long ago. Give yourself time. Healing is a long process and you are on the right path.

You are always in our thoughts ♥

Maddie said...


Are you testing early? It could just be too early.

Maddie x

B said...

thank you both so much for the hugs.

maddie - maybe. it's hard to say. my temp went up as usual after ovulation, then for two days it went higher, then today it was back down to post-ovulation levels - still high, but 0.2 degree C lower than the previous two days. i suspect chemical pregnancy. if my period doesn't show up i'll try again in a few days, but i suspect my temp will drop the rest of the way tomorrow and my period will follow :(

time seems to be passing incredibly slowly. this is only our third month of trying, but i suspect that something is wrong. but it's not even worth asking docs to refer me/us for tests yet; they'll say no this early on. but if something is wrong, i want to know now.

if i knew that it would never happen for us, i'd grieve that* and get on with it. not knowing is killing me.

*god i make it sound simple don't i? i know it's not like that.

Maddie said...

Hopefully you'll be pregnant by then but sometimes you can get a referral after 6 months. I was sure we wouldn't get pregnant and my ob said to come back after 6 months.

And yes, it's hard accepting this pregnancy thing is really out of our control for the most part.

Maddie x

Catherine W said...

Oh my dear. I'm glad that you went for the walk with D. Sometimes it just helps to get out of the house and a bit of sunshine never goes amiss either.

It is very, very hard to accept how little control we have over the process of pregnancy and childbirth. Particularly when it is something that is so important and dear to us. I think I know what you mean when you say that you just want to know. So far I've managed to conceive two children at once, then I think possibly none (a chemical pregnacy) and now I'm still waiting for pregnancy #3. I'm not good at it either and it's hard.

Hoping for you xo

Helen said...

Depression and grief are such strange beasts. They hit you when you are least expecting it. Walking was exactly the right thing to do. I swore by it when I was struggling, even though it feels like the last thing you want to do. Even now my mood lifts when I've been for a run or a walk.

Thinking of you. Especially as we are coming back up your way soon. x

biojen said...

I'm sorry this wasn't your month. If me hoping would do anything you would already be knocked up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed your next cycle does the trick and I hope you feel better soon. At least the damn winter is almost over - I think that was really hard on both of us.

B said...

maddie - thanks for that. i'm seeing my doc soon and i'm going to talk to her about my fears. hopefully she'll agree to refer me in another few months if necessary.

(please please please let it not be necessary)

and i so, so hate the lack of control.

catherine, thanks. yes, the walk did help. yes, i think you do understand, too. it's different for you (and so much harder) but it's good to know you understand.

thank you helen. i'm going to try and get out into the fresh air more (and i'm walking Race4Life with a friend in July so I have a reason to). when are you up this way?

Jen - the same goes a hundred million times over! if wishes were babies... if only we could wish our babies back :( it's cold again today, but the weekend has been beautiful. i'm glad winter is leaving at last.

thank you all again for your support. xxx