Tuesday, 23 March 2010

sad.

i haven't cried in ages. but i cried tonight, just a little.

a friend of mine asked me if i was up to babysitting his six month old. and i want to say yes, i really do. i'm fine with baby J, usually. i made a choice, once i found out what had happened, that i didn't want to avoid him. that i didn't want to make it into a big thing when i saw a baby next.

but the one time since i lost my baby that i've been solely in charge of him - just for 20 minutes or so - he cried, and i got really upset because i couldn't console him.

when i got home tonight, i cried. just a little.

i don't begrudge anyone else their babies. i don't wish pain or horror like this on anyone else.

but i'm exhausted with longing and wishing and grief.

i'm calmer this month. i'm not charting (...even though it's almost impossible to switch off completely, seeing as my cycle started on the first - and i did take three temperatures which makes me confident that i did ovulate), and i'm not so miserable and stressed. generally, i'm in a better place.

...but that doesn't mean that i don't still long and yearn for a baby of my own. that i get to actually hold in my arms.

that doesn't mean that i don't still miss the baby that died.

---

i've started freaking out that i've not locked the car again.

i hope the anxiety's just visiting. that it's not back to stay.

11 comments:

biojen said...

I don't have any wise words - just sending you a hug. Take care.

Maddie said...

I was thinking you'd been quiet and was hoping your in a better place not a worse one.

I've got my fingers crossed this is your month.

I look after our neighbours kids. Most of the time I'm OK but sometimes I cry when I get home too.

Maddie x

B said...

hugs always, always welcome jen. thank you.

thank you maddie. i hope this is the month too. and i'm glad you get the crying too (...that you understand, not that you cry).

Maddie said...

I meant to say about the anxiety and locking the car in my last comment. One of the very first things my pysc asked me if I was doing things like checking the stove was off repeatedly. I am. It must be a 'normal' part of grief I assume.

trousers said...

Still feels like a privilege to read these posts (I've been quiet but still reading) - thanks again for sharing all this. That's all I can say for now.

B said...

maddie - i know intellectually that anxiety is part of grief, but it really really helps to know that other real people do it too. thank you so much. x

trousers - thank you for reading x

lis said...

god your post hits so close to home.
when i went to see the doctor about a month ago he had me do a series of assessments and it was so interesting to see where i scored high. anxiety, ,ocd, depression. i knew all these things, but seeing them quantified was another thing that went a long way towards understanding where i was in my grief.
this is a long and windy path with peaks and valleys and just when you think you're ahead, another wave of unexpected grief will knock you down from the back.
sending you hugs and understanding. xoxo

Mary Jane said...

Anxiety happens to me too. About weird stuff, like last night, the cat was meowing in a way I thought was odd. So I frantically pick her up and start feeling her all over, panicking, feeling sure she was sick or hurt... my husband walked into the kitchen and saw some of this and looked really concerned for my sanity. I started to cry and told him that if she was hurt or sick she wouldn't be able to tell us and how would we know.

Just wanted to say hi, tell you you are not alone, and thank you for the post. Hoping your anxiety is just making a quick visit.

xo

B said...

i'm finding myself becoming rather ocd about these things too lis. it's a bit scary to find myself with behaviour that can end up at such extremes. but i'm telling myself that it's understandable... it's trying to regain control where we have none. and as long as i'm aware of it, i can tell my doc if it gets much worse. hopefully.....

thanks for understanding.

welcome mary jane and thank you for understanding too. and worrying about your cat like that... not odd, not at all. babies and animals can't explain when something is wrong. it scares me, the idea of not picking up when something is wrong.

the anxiety does seem to be dying down again. i don't mind if it visits every so often, as long as it doesn't stay around for good.

thank you all, so much, for listening to me. it helps.

Debs said...

I think you're doing very well. It's hard to lose a baby and you'll probably always miss the baby you have lost, especially at certain anniversaries. I know I do. Sending you hugs. x

B said...

thank you debs xxx