Saturday, 6 March 2010

update.

i took my date stamp out of my desk drawer this week.

i haven't needed to use it since i came back. i don't use it every day. and i've just not needed it.

but this week i did.

and my stomach flipped, when i looked to see what date it was.

'25 november 2009'.

if i'd stopped to think about it, i would have expected to see november. but not that date. never that date.

i moved it on, quickly. march 2010. stamped the date. put the stamp back in my drawer.

still, it made me realise.

for me, it's still not long since november.

----

other than that, this week's actually been ok.

the sunshine has helped. but maybe it's also being past the scary three month marker. the one i've been dreading since i went back to work.

i passed the date, and it didn't kill me.

i cried and cried in work and it didn't kill me.

... maybe i can do this.

maybe the weather will get better. the sun will shine. the world will keep on turning, and maybe that will actually be ok.

maybe i'll remember this baby with sadness forever. but there will still be happiness and growth and... maybe another baby.

maybe one that sticks around long enough for me to meet.

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yesterday, i was home alone for a while. D was out with work friends. i put music on and danced round the kitchen while putting away the crockery.

i want a night out.

i'm not entirely sure how to make that happen right now - the decent nights out, the ones i really love, that i know of are hundreds of miles away. and i really fancy a blowout, too, but drinking large quantities+ttc doesn't really go.

anyway. i'll work on it. (a sober, or at least relatively sober, night out.)

weird, though. this post was less than a month before i got pregnant. i remember hoping that i would get pregnant that cycle, so i could tell my first child that i had been at a NIN gig while pregnant with them.

i'm still a little sad that didn't happen.

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it will be interesting. trying to figure out how to still be that me, while being a mother.

i hope. i hope.

----

a few days ago there was another post here. a rant about a friend (kinda) and facebook.

i didn't leave it up very long. i don't know if anyone saw it. i don't think google reader picked it up.

but if anyone did - it seems that the person in question was being incredibly tactless, not deliberately cruel.

so that is good to know.

tactless is better than cruel any day of the week.

3 comments:

Catherine W said...

I hope for you too.

It would have been cool to tell your first child that they had been to a NIN gig in utero.

Hope your night out plans come to pass xo

biojen said...

I still keep finding things at work from the middle of December. It wasn't that long ago at all. And it was forever.

I'm glad this week was better, take care of yourself.

B said...

thank you catherine.
i've been meaning to say, thanks for coming in. your blog is so beautifully written, i never know what to say in your comments. but i love reading it.

thanks jen. thank you also for your email. it was much appreciated. i'll reply soon.