Friday, 19 March 2010

wow. a full week without posting.

not so long ago, that would have seemed entirely impossible.

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someone i know - part of my old circle of friends, a friend-of-a-friend - has had a miscarriage.

reading between the lines it seems to be a missed miscarriage picked up at the 12 week scan. but all i know is that she's had a miscarriage. she was pregnant; now she's not.

as far as i know, she and i are the only ones in this group to have been through this.

so i wanted to ask those people who have suffered first-trimester miscarriages (and anyone else really) - what should i do? i have emailed and sent her a card, but specifically - should i send her vouchers for takeout or meals out or something? i don't know her well enough to offer anything more than a supportive ear but i found life generally exhausting and would have really appreciated pizza express vouchers, or maybe dominos - so i could eat without cooking or washing up. or even someone bringing round a meal for us, although that would be complicated seeing as i'm half-vegan and he's allergic to garlic - noone in their right minds cooks for us unless they really have to. or should i give the people she's closer to a heads-up about what she might need?

i have a feeling i'm overthinking this so i wanted to know what you all thought.

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me? i'm getting back to normal. kind of. i'm getting absorbed in things at work. i'm happier. i'm more myself again. i heard about one of D's workmates having her baby (...someone who wasn't trying to get pregnant and was actually quite devastated at first) and was genuinely pleased for her, relieved that everything went well.

i wouldn't have been so calm a few weeks ago.

it's probably the eye of the storm. in the next seven weeks (christ, is that all?) i'm going to have my birthday; a wedding; the due date of someone who hurt me deeply; and my own due date.

but for the minute, i'm going to sit back and breathe deeply and thank the heavens that i have a few weeks' reprieve. i'll gather my strength for the storms, if they return.

if they return.

let's hope that if they do, they are milder than before.

6 comments:

biojen said...

You're such a kind and thoughtful person to be thinking of her right now. I guess if you don't know her well a heads up to her closer friends would be appropriate. Tell them not to ignore or dismiss her loss. Offers of food are probably appropriate too.

I hope the next 7 weeks isn't too hard on you and the storms stay offshore.

Kate.Kingsley said...

One of the things that touched me most after my m/c was my sister-in-law popping round to see me, unexpectedly ~ she'd been through the same thing a year before so knew exactly how I felt, and so when my bro suggested sending me flowers she was able (correctly) to say 'she doesn't want flowers right now, she wants a bottle of wine'.
But for me practical things weren't really what I needed from other people. Just knowing that there was someone who I could talk to who had been through the same thing was the most helpful thing. And so maybe your role is to be that person to her.
Hope you're doing well, take care & enjoy your time off xx

Catherine W said...

The thing I appreciated most when I miscarried was to know that someone understood. If you've emailed and sent a card you have already done much, much more than most people. You are so kind and generous to have thought to say something, it is such a sweet gesture.

To me, food is always lovely, be it vouchers or something you've cooked.

I'm glad you are feeling happier at the moment. Thinking of you as you approach the difficult weeks ahead and hoping for mild weather for you. xo

MK said...

You are thoughtful. For me, I just want someone to take me to coffee and let me cry. Maybe a card with a gift card to a cafe and an open invite to talk?

lis said...

i think it's lovely that you are seeking out ways to help your friend find some peace. im doing the same in a way for a friend who just lost her baby at 2 months of age to SIDS.

i think as a friend-of-a-friend you have done much more than anyone would expect. im sure she was so touched that you took the time to honor her babys life, however brief. especially knowing so many people will just ignore the topic.

i like your blog, im glad i found you and im so sorry i made you cry.

B said...

thank you all so much.

i've not heard anything back from her, so i'm inclined to leave it a few weeks (i know that for the first few weeks i didn't really want to see anyone but D) and then get in touch again and see if she wants to talk.

it's really hard to know what to do. i don't want to impose myself on her, but i don't want to neglect her if she does need someone. eurch.