Five months ago today we had a midwife's appointment. And she couldn't find the heartbeat, so she sent us to the hospital for a scan. And suddenly it turned out... well. You all know what happened.
Yesterday I got a Tesco baby magazine through the post. Complete with cover pic of perfect newborn. I don't shop at Tescos. I never registered for anything there. I haven't been brave enough to open it yet. I'll call and get my details remove from their list as soon as I can pluck up the courage. (oh - but I should share this link - for those of you in the UK who have lost a baby you might want to register there. They will stop you from receiving so many baby-related mailings.)
To be honest, I'm more worried about next month than today's monthly anniversary. Next month has my unfilled due date and the sixth month anniversary of our loss, at opposite ends of the month. That's going to be hard.
I'm not pregnant.
But if, or when (pleasepleaseplease) it happens? I'm really not sure about what to do. I'm not sure whether to post about it here.
D wants to keep it a secret as long as possible. (20 weeks at least for most people; 12 weeks for family.) I want to tell most people pretty much straight away. (Largely because there aren't very many people any more. My social circle has reduced to about a third of what it used to be.) As far as I'm concerned - there is no safe time, so we might as well tell everyone as soon as we've had a scan at seven weeks and know that there is a really-real baby.
This place has kept me going. And I need to talk about stuff. Pregnancy will be really hard for me. How will I keep going if I can't vent on here?
I wish I knew what the answer was.
The hardest thing will be our best friend. I will need to tell him. D will need him not to know. There is no answer to that conundrum.
still seeing only single magpies. dammit.