Tuesday, 27 April 2010

and after yesterday's trip to one hospital and revisiting places i didn't want to be, this morning i had to do it again at a different hospital.

my ecg was at the hospital we went to. the one we had the scan at.

it was really, really hard to make myself go in. even to a completely different area of the hospital.

on the way out i stopped and looked over at the entrance to the maternity ward. i watched a couple come out. hoped their news was good.

hoped they weren't as shellshocked as D and i were, walking out that afternoon.

even in my most bitter moments i wouldn't wish that on anyone.


yesterday i had to walk past the crowds of smokers to get to the place i was going to.

no obviously pregnant ones. thank goodness.

i always want to scream at them.

tell them how unfair it is.


i can't help but wonder if my positive inclination towards this project (reported on BBC breakfast news this morning) is coloured to a large degree by having lost my baby.


the stupid thing is that i don't even believe in omens. i don't salute single magpies or say 'good morning captain!' like you're supposed to.

this morning on the bus back from the hospital i saw:

one pair of magpies (... maybe there is a glimmer of hope)
a second pair of magpies (... yes, maybe there is....)
then a group of three magpies! (OMG - a girl?) that was then joined by a fourth magpie (OMG - a boy?!?) - that was then joined by a fifth (... oh. silver. i'd rather have a baby).
then a single magpie.
then a single magpie.
then two more single magpies, that - try as i might - i could not see as a pair.

so i'm coming to the conclusion that maybe the magpies know squat.


this morning a friend (thank you so much Erin) sent me this:

and i'm going to take them as a lucky charm.

catherine, illanare, jen, lis, maddie, eliza, MK, therootofallevel, caz, rachel, sad kitty - and anyone else reading who needs luck (i so hope i haven't missed anyone out - if i have please shout in the comments) - i'm passing it on to you, too.

and i'll try to stop MagpieWatch2010. i'm even a bit sick of it myself.

(updated to add in a few people i forgot and add in links to their sites)


lis said...

You are amazing. Amazingly strong and gentle and hopeful. I'm glad you allowed yoursself a glimmer of hope today when the past two have been so rough! You will have to explain to me some day about the magpies-i don't think we have them here and if we do, I certainly don't know what I'm supposed to say to them! And thank you, thank you, a million times over for sharing it with me. When I get home I am putting it on my blog. I need all the luck I can get... Love and hugs to you!

Illanare said...

Thank you for sharing the 2-for-joy magpies, B :-_)

I'm sorry you have had to be in the same hospital, even if in a different department. I think you handled it with amazing strength, though.

Anonymous said...

Hi You do not know me but I have notice that you have had a very sad and difficult time in your life after your baby loss. I think that the magpies are a good sign, a sign that there is hope for you, a sign that good things and that lovely baby that you want with all your heart is coming. But you should make an effort to concentrate in the positive side, in what you want not in what you lack,there is a book by Deepak Chopra called " the 7 spiritual laws of success" where you can read more about this. I hope that you do not feel that I am being rude or nosy, but for first time in a long time I notice that you are focusing you atention in something more positive and I really think is a good sign. A hug from Chile, Claudia

Catherine W said...

Ha ha. Ever since you first mentioned magpies I've joined you on MagpieWatch 2010! I can't help myself, it's like a sort of tic now. Must. Count. Magpies. Whenever I see one, I feel like I have to track down another to even things up.

I'm sorry you had to go back to the hospital. I hate all hospitals now and I can't imagine how hard it was to go back to the very same one.

Thank you for the luck. I could do with some! I try and pass some luck on over the air waves when I spot a duo.

And yes they probably do know squat but, hey, it keeps me distracted and I get a nice sense of satisfaction when I see two. xo

MK said...

Thank you for the magpies! I'm a little intrigued and admit that I don't know the lore behind magpies. I don't think we have magpies here in North Carolina but I'm going to take your magpies and make them my own because everyone knows, I need some luck. I'm send you hugs. I know you are down right now. I know you are hurting. I know the hurt that you are hurting. This time that you are going through right now, it's the worse. The shock has worn off and it's just pain. Overwhelming and uncontrollable pain. You feel a little crazy, right? You feel a little like you could die from this pain, right? I know. I do. It won't get better, not for awhile and I won't lie to you that it will be okay because it will never be okay but you aren't alone. I'm here for you and so are a lot of others. I wish I could sit with you and hold you while you hurt but despite the space between us, I hold you in my heart.

B said...

thanks lis. hopefully i will have a better day again soon. x

illanare - i hope the magpies really do bring you joy. and i didn't feel strong at the time. but maybe i was. x

claudia, thank you. i hope i will have some more positivity soon. but right now there is so much grief and pain in my heart it's hard to find room for anything else right now. and hugs are always welcome. x

catherine - i'm sorry i've infected someone else with the magpie madness!! one of my friends hates hospitals, and i've never really understood it. if only i was still that naive :( xx

mk - all i can say in response to your beautiful words is thank you so, so much for understanding. xx