and after yesterday's trip to one hospital and revisiting places i didn't want to be, this morning i had to do it again at a different hospital.
my ecg was at the hospital we went to. the one we had the scan at.
it was really, really hard to make myself go in. even to a completely different area of the hospital.
on the way out i stopped and looked over at the entrance to the maternity ward. i watched a couple come out. hoped their news was good.
hoped they weren't as shellshocked as D and i were, walking out that afternoon.
even in my most bitter moments i wouldn't wish that on anyone.
yesterday i had to walk past the crowds of smokers to get to the place i was going to.
no obviously pregnant ones. thank goodness.
i always want to scream at them.
tell them how unfair it is.
i can't help but wonder if my positive inclination towards this project (reported on BBC breakfast news this morning) is coloured to a large degree by having lost my baby.
the stupid thing is that i don't even believe in omens. i don't salute single magpies or say 'good morning captain!' like you're supposed to.
this morning on the bus back from the hospital i saw:
one pair of magpies (... maybe there is a glimmer of hope)
a second pair of magpies (... yes, maybe there is....)
then a group of three magpies! (OMG - a girl?) that was then joined by a fourth magpie (OMG - a boy?!?) - that was then joined by a fifth (... oh. silver. i'd rather have a baby).
then a single magpie.
then a single magpie.
then two more single magpies, that - try as i might - i could not see as a pair.
so i'm coming to the conclusion that maybe the magpies know squat.
this morning a friend (thank you so much Erin) sent me this:
and i'm going to take them as a lucky charm.
catherine, illanare, jen, lis, maddie, eliza, MK, therootofallevel, caz, rachel, sad kitty - and anyone else reading who needs luck (i so hope i haven't missed anyone out - if i have please shout in the comments) - i'm passing it on to you, too.
and i'll try to stop MagpieWatch2010. i'm even a bit sick of it myself.
(updated to add in a few people i forgot and add in links to their sites)