Monday, 26 April 2010

i am seeing so many single magpies and crows it's getting insane.

i realise that random bird sightings have nothing to do with the contents of my ute.rus, but that doesn't stop me thinking that either a) i'm not pregnant or b) if i am it will be gone within a few weeks.

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a girl who works with D asked him today if i was pregnant. she saw me friday. apparently she has a nose for these things.

i can't help hoping she's right.

and every time i think she's right, i think i have jinxed us. i think i've made sure that it doesn't happen.

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i am absolutely, utterly exhausted. but my blood pressure is now within the band of 'normal', after being sustained high (both systolic and diastolic) for about three weeks. the hospital are still investigating, but at least it's back down for the mo. still. blood tests today. ECG tomorrow. 24 hour blood pressure reading soon, hopefully. at least if something is wrong i'll find out. in the meantime i'm walking 2-3 miles a day (over 4 on sunday) and eating better and trying to destress.

hopefully this will work.

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today i walked past the ward i went to to have my medically-induced miscarriage six times. there is only one ward - ONE WARD - that you can only get to by walking past that ward. and the person i was visiting just happened to be on that ward.

walking past, on my own, knowing that i needed to keep it together? one of the hardest things i have ever done.

i've actually been back to the hospital since. did i ever tell you about the slightly-crazy counsellor? i should if i didn't. so i went back plenty afterwards. but today, being there for something different - not being mentally prepared - jesus it was exhausting.

but?

i did it. i made myself walk past and i held back the tears. and when i was past i exhaled, and it was really ok.

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sometimes i think that i brought this upon myself. because i was glad i got pregnant before my best friend.

i hate myself for that.

i hate myself that i can't deal with seeing her any more.

i hate how jealous i am.

i saw a woman crossing the road today. she was maybe 5-6 months pregnant.

i was so jealous, so bitterly jealous.

i turned to watch her walk away.

i don't wish her any harm.

i just wish....

i just wish i was 39 weeks pregnant.

or getting used to having a baby here with me.

not wondering if this will be my month.

or wondering how hard next thursday will be.

5 comments:

Maddie said...

I wish it was different too. I'm jealous of people too - people who get to have naive, innocent pregnancies full of wonder and expectation.

Hugs and don't be hard on yourself for not seeing people. If they're real friends, they'll understand.

Maddie x

lis said...

its so hard isn't it?

i wish it wasn't...

love to you

xoxo

Illanare said...

I'm so jealous of other people too that I sometimes wonder if I will ever be "normal" again.

This is all so hideously hard. I'm so sorry.

PS - there is a single magpie parked on a branch outside my window mocking me, the feathered little blighter.

Mary Jane said...

Thinking of you and hoping your blood pressure stays where it should.

B said...

thank you all for understanding.

i hope my blood pressure stays where it's meant to be too.