Thursday, 29 April 2010

i never expect to get pregnant. i expect it not to work. it's not even that i try not to get my hopes up, it's just that i'm aware that without fert.ile cm (and for some reason i don't seem to produce the stuff), it's an uphill struggle. so to speak. (har bloody har.)

but every.single.month, something happens to make me think it's happened. a sudden sickly feeling in the morning and increased sensitivity to smells. absolute exhaustion and just generally feeling weird. this month's special was sky high temperatures about 6 days past ovu.lation and a crampy feeling that i just don't usually get.

but this morning, the week's downward trend pushed me under the baseline. my temp was 37.03 degrees Sunday - ridiculously high for me. this morning was 36.41.

i did a test, just to make sure (have i been sleeping with my mouth open? is it just a random fluctuation? can it really be....).

Not Pregnant.

f-u-c-k.

every single month, i tell myself not to get my hopes up.

but.

every single month, i get excited. i think it's going to be a yes.

why can't i have a month where none of that happens? when i ovulate, nothing happens and then my period turns up? none of this fckng messing around with me. none of this saying to D 'well it could be nothing, but it could mean i'm pregnant'. i'm like the bloody boy who cried wolf.

the first four months we were trying, i never even bothered to take a pregnancy test. no symptoms and my temp went down. fair enough.

why does this keep happening every time?

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you know cats? when they play with a mouse and start to let it escape? just far enough away that it thinks it's safe. then they make another grab for it.

that's how i feel. fate's sitting there, laughing at me. letting me think that maybe - just maybe - it's happened. then reeling me back in. the better to make me crumble. because finding out you're not pregnant is just all the better when you combine it with an unhealthy dose of PMT.

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do you watch sex and the city? i keep replaying that line of Charlotte's. "Everything is exactly like it always was, but I'm pregnant!"

and then she has a miscarriage.

fate. reels you in, spits you out.

---

i was in WH Smiths on Tuesday. heard a noise. accidentally looked into a pram. saw a newborn. all beautiful and pink and, well, there. not some fckng ghost of a baby that will never be.

i nearly puked.

it's the first time that actually seeing a baby has provoked that reaction. it probably shouldn't have, but it took me by surprise.

it's not fair.

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you know what? i am completely sick of myself. i hate myself for being so pathetic.

---

i can access counselling through work. going to phone up and make an appointment now.

7 comments:

Maddie said...

Hugs. Are you testing too early?

Hope you can get in for some counselling and it helps.

xx

DK Leather said...

Just hugs. Reading letters like this was one of the reasons I did egg donations for 5 years running, to give more women the chance to have a baby of their own.

I'm blessed and I truly do know it. I wish there was some way I could help you right now. All I have to say I think is that maybe, just maybe hoping so hard, trying so bad, might be the blockage? Maybe resting the idea, concentrating on making love instead of babies, spicing things up or having a new adventure. Just thoughts.

Good luck with the counselling, love and light xxx

B said...

with the temperature drop, unfortunately not, maddie. i wish i was :( thank you.

DK - i had no idea you were reading (i'm always surprised that anyone other than other babyloss mothers does) and your comment made me sob. thank you. at least there are good people out there. it amazes me that anyone donates eggs, it really does. thank you for being one of them.

i'm never like this round ovulation. the desperation only sets in afterwards (and normally nowhere near this bad). so i don't think that relates to it. however - i did read this and although it pisses me off in many ways, i think there are some good tips in there. once i'm past my due date and hopefully calm down a little, i'll put some of them in action.

the counsellor hasn't called back yet (or maybe called when i was on the phone to my mum). will try again in a bit.

today is so, so hard.

DK Leather said...

then I hope it's just a modicum easier knowing some who care are out here thinking of you xxx

Kate.Kingsley said...

The comment I'm going to make is the sort of thing that used to make me want to punch people in the face when they said it to me, but I went through the exact thing you describe every month after my m/c. I built up such high hopes, analysed every single feeling (emotional & physical) until I was convinced beyond doubt I was pregnant, only to smash to pieces everytime I started with the spotting at 10-11dpo. I was desperate to be pregnant again before my due date came around, because I was scared of what I might do to myself if I wasn't. My due date passed, and I realised I had to stop tearing myself apart for the sake of my sanity.
The month I let of the need was the month I conceived.
I'm not going to patronise you with the 'just relax and I will happen' spiel that I heard from so many people, but I really believe that I had to get myself get to a place where I was more psychologically able to deal with being pregnant.
Not sure what I'm saying, or if it's coming across the right way, but this post just rang so many bells for me that I wanted to say something.
xx

Catherine W said...

I can't help getting my hopes every single month too. Despite the tone of my blog I appear to be an irrepressible optimist. Who knew?

B said...

thanks kate. i can take it off someone else who has been there. x

catherine - you made me smile. thank you! x