i never expect to get pregnant. i expect it not to work. it's not even that i try not to get my hopes up, it's just that i'm aware that without fert.ile cm (and for some reason i don't seem to produce the stuff), it's an uphill struggle. so to speak. (har bloody har.)
but every.single.month, something happens to make me think it's happened. a sudden sickly feeling in the morning and increased sensitivity to smells. absolute exhaustion and just generally feeling weird. this month's special was sky high temperatures about 6 days past ovu.lation and a crampy feeling that i just don't usually get.
but this morning, the week's downward trend pushed me under the baseline. my temp was 37.03 degrees Sunday - ridiculously high for me. this morning was 36.41.
i did a test, just to make sure (have i been sleeping with my mouth open? is it just a random fluctuation? can it really be....).
every single month, i tell myself not to get my hopes up.
every single month, i get excited. i think it's going to be a yes.
why can't i have a month where none of that happens? when i ovulate, nothing happens and then my period turns up? none of this fckng messing around with me. none of this saying to D 'well it could be nothing, but it could mean i'm pregnant'. i'm like the bloody boy who cried wolf.
the first four months we were trying, i never even bothered to take a pregnancy test. no symptoms and my temp went down. fair enough.
why does this keep happening every time?
you know cats? when they play with a mouse and start to let it escape? just far enough away that it thinks it's safe. then they make another grab for it.
that's how i feel. fate's sitting there, laughing at me. letting me think that maybe - just maybe - it's happened. then reeling me back in. the better to make me crumble. because finding out you're not pregnant is just all the better when you combine it with an unhealthy dose of PMT.
do you watch sex and the city? i keep replaying that line of Charlotte's. "Everything is exactly like it always was, but I'm pregnant!"
and then she has a miscarriage.
fate. reels you in, spits you out.
i was in WH Smiths on Tuesday. heard a noise. accidentally looked into a pram. saw a newborn. all beautiful and pink and, well, there. not some fckng ghost of a baby that will never be.
i nearly puked.
it's the first time that actually seeing a baby has provoked that reaction. it probably shouldn't have, but it took me by surprise.
it's not fair.
you know what? i am completely sick of myself. i hate myself for being so pathetic.
i can access counselling through work. going to phone up and make an appointment now.