Saturday, 10 April 2010

it's my birthday tomorrow.

i feel hollow, and sad, and empty, and stuck, and wrong.


i wish i knew how this was going to end.

i wish i knew that one day we'd have a child to call our own.

i wish i knew that one day we would live somewhere else. a house, not a flat. somewhere with enough space. somewhere with a garden we could sit out in on sunny days.

with a child - hell, this is fantasy, even two or three - to run around after.


i wish i could be happy with what i have.

an amazing husband. a job i quite like that's pretty secure (and that's saying a lot, these days). a supportive family. a city that's home.

but it's just not enough.


Illanare said...

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and empty. Sometimes things like birthdays can make everything feel even worse than they do already.

I guess that wishing you a happy birthday would be inappropriate, and it's certainly inadequate. So instead I wish you a peaceful day tomorrow and hope that this time next year you will be on the road to that future with the house, garden and most of all, a child to fill both.


therootofallevel said...

i know exactly how you feel. my son was born still less than two weeks before my birthday last year (can we say SUCK?) and i doubt i'll ever be able to truly celebrate any of my birthdays again.

i hope that you get everything you want and deserve out of this life. e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

and happy birthday.

lis said...

happy birthday love. i know it doesn't feel happy at all and i wish i could help that, make things different for you.
isn't it funny that in life the not knowing is usually the exciting part? definitely not in our world of TTC. even though i don't know how things will turn out, i know that in the end we will be happy because you and i are the type of people that won't give up until we are sure we have secured ourselves a happy place in this world.

thinking of you today xoxo

B said...

Illanare it means so much that you can wish all that for me, even when you are going through such devastation. Thank you so, so much.

Thank you J (I'm not sure if you attach your name to your blog so I'm not using it, hope that's OK!)

lis - you are right. without going into my DH's history, he and I know very well that genetic connections aren't the be-all and end-all. so for me, if it doesn't happen 'naturally' (HA), there are other options. and if that doesn't happen, maybe it will mean i can concentrate on the writing and not be so broke.

it just sucks not knowing. i know you get that.