Saturday, 3 April 2010

i've dyed my hair (extremely dark) red, after it being black for a long time. (before i was pregnant; it wasn't something i did after losing the baby, but i won't deny it: i was glad it was black the last four months or so.)

i hope noone takes that as some kind of proof that i'm somehow 'over' this.

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6 april marks one year since we started trying to conceive.

it also marks what should have been eight months of pregnancy for me.

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today, i'm exhausted, and sad. not overwhelmingly so... it just seems that anything at all is too much effort.

i don't want to do anything.

i feel that i've let everyone down.

(i realise that is entirely ridiculous. want to persuade my brain? i can't manage to)

i'm taking a mate up to asda later. i think it'll do me good. i don't want to go, but i think it'll do me good. (and to be fair D would do it, but i think i need to do something before i go stir crazy.)

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the other day, in the supermarket. there was one of those rides that kids can go on. and a kid was on it. and she was just sitting there, looking bored. while the woman with her (her mum?) flicked through her mobile phone. ignoring the child.

it made me so, so sad.

4 comments:

biojen said...

The reminders that we should still be pregnant always suck. You're not letting anyone down! I know how hard that is to believe. Just try to let yourself feel what you need to feel and remember it will eventually get better.

Lots of hugs

Maddie said...

Hugs. Take it easy and be kind to yourself while you're feeling down. I saw my pysc the other day and said I've been feeling really sad lately and he just said, grief's a process and to feel sad is natural. There's no magic trick to take it away.

Read a book, watch something light-hearted, spend time with a supportive friend, try and get outside - this is just a list of things that help me sometimes. Of course, when I'm really down, I just cry and try to keep breathing until it passes. Which we now does, even though it'll be back, it passes in this particular moment.

Maddie x

Catherine W said...

I didn't want to wear make up after the girls were born and G died. I also thought that people would think I was somehow 'over it.' Hope you enjoy the change of hair colour.

I also feel that I've let everyone down. You know those rants that teachers used to go on 'you've let me down, you've let your class down, you've let the school down but most of all you've let YOURSELF down'? I seem to have one of those teachers stuck on repeat in my brain. Although, as you say, it is entirely ridiculous.

Hope your trip out to asda helped. Sometimes just doing something 'normal' seems to help. Sorry you had to see that mum ignoring her child. It stings to see something like that. xo

B said...

it helps so much that you all understand.

thank you for being here with me xxx