i see omens everywhere.
magpies are the most common. two = this cycle will be the one, because one is for sorrow and two for joy. but one magpie one time beats two or three or four or ten pairs of magpies. because sorrow beats everything.
today's omen was getting rid of our old bed. we had a sh*tty unsteady old horrible squeaky bed before, that we got not long before i got pregnant. and now we've got rid of it and got a nice new lovely bed. and somehow i take that as an omen that this cycle will be the one.
i wasn't this superstitious before.
i used to be different in other ways too.
i used to care about what was going on in the world. i used to check out the bbc news site, the guardian, the times. many times a day. just in case something had happened.
now i'm not that person any more. i'm someone who randomly has manicures. twice since the end of february. never before that. well, once when i won one, and once for someone's hen night. never 'just because' before.
i hate it. i'm not the kind of person who gets manicures. i don't care if anyone else does. but... it's just not something i do.
and it's not something i should be able to do right now. i should be saving every penny. i should be panicking about how on earth we can afford to live when i'm on maternity leave.
i hate that it doesn't matter.
you know what else sucks? before i had to phone my best friend, J, and tell her that i can't cope with seeing her any more. that it hurts too much that she's pregnant. that i can't see her any more now she has a proper bump.
that it hurts too much now that i know she must feel her baby moving.
because i've never felt that.
because i'm scared i never will.
i miss J. i miss her really badly. but i can't get away from it any more.
sometimes she has prophetic dreams. and she told me before that she'd had one about me. i'm not sure yet what it was. but even though she's usually scary-accurate, i have no faith any more. (she dreamed i was pregnant? but i was pregnant before. look how that ended. she dreamed she saw me with a baby? i see a baby, one i love dearly, once a week. but it's not mine.)
i have no faith at all that it will happen for me.
i have no faith i'll ever get pregnant again.
(i'm kind of bored of saying that.)
i keep believing. every single month, i believe this is the one.
every single month i set myself up for a shattered heart.
i just want this year to be over already. i want to be past all the dates. if 2010 isn't going to hold a baby for me, then i want it to be done already.
i'm sick of my own grief and pain.
i feel i should be over this by now.