Sunday, 4 April 2010

omens.

i see omens everywhere.

magpies are the most common. two = this cycle will be the one, because one is for sorrow and two for joy. but one magpie one time beats two or three or four or ten pairs of magpies. because sorrow beats everything.

today's omen was getting rid of our old bed. we had a sh*tty unsteady old horrible squeaky bed before, that we got not long before i got pregnant. and now we've got rid of it and got a nice new lovely bed. and somehow i take that as an omen that this cycle will be the one.

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i wasn't this superstitious before.

i used to be different in other ways too.

i used to care about what was going on in the world. i used to check out the bbc news site, the guardian, the times. many times a day. just in case something had happened.

now i'm not that person any more. i'm someone who randomly has manicures. twice since the end of february. never before that. well, once when i won one, and once for someone's hen night. never 'just because' before.

i hate it. i'm not the kind of person who gets manicures. i don't care if anyone else does. but... it's just not something i do.

and it's not something i should be able to do right now. i should be saving every penny. i should be panicking about how on earth we can afford to live when i'm on maternity leave.

i hate that it doesn't matter.

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you know what else sucks? before i had to phone my best friend, J, and tell her that i can't cope with seeing her any more. that it hurts too much that she's pregnant. that i can't see her any more now she has a proper bump.

that it hurts too much now that i know she must feel her baby moving.

because i've never felt that.

because i'm scared i never will.

i miss J. i miss her really badly. but i can't get away from it any more.

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sometimes she has prophetic dreams. and she told me before that she'd had one about me. i'm not sure yet what it was. but even though she's usually scary-accurate, i have no faith any more. (she dreamed i was pregnant? but i was pregnant before. look how that ended. she dreamed she saw me with a baby? i see a baby, one i love dearly, once a week. but it's not mine.)

i have no faith at all that it will happen for me.

i have no faith i'll ever get pregnant again.

(i'm kind of bored of saying that.)

i keep believing. every single month, i believe this is the one.

every single month i set myself up for a shattered heart.

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i just want this year to be over already. i want to be past all the dates. if 2010 isn't going to hold a baby for me, then i want it to be done already.

i'm sick of my own grief and pain.

i feel i should be over this by now.

6 comments:

Stephen Shieber said...

Your feelings will upset/annoy you. But remember that they are feelings! They can be acknowledged and you can move on.
The grief and pain process hurts, but don't give yourself a hard time because it continues. It will , at some level, all your life. Just remember you're strong enough to live with that and move forward into the future as well.
Stephen xxxx

Jorgelina said...

I'm so sorry I'm so short on words! I second what Stephen said; and send you all my love and all my good thoughts for you and D.

*hugs*

Shelley said...

I have a suggestion for you. I needed lots of help to get through the time when I worked out I was not going to have children of my own. I have no reason to think you won't, but perhaps this will help you deal with your sadness.

Make a list of what you have that you are grateful for. Your loved ones, your skills, your senses, the wonderful things your body can do. Recognise all the things that not everyone else is blessed to have. Write them down, write until you can think of nothing more to list. Carry it with you. Read it every morning, every night and every time your sadness overwhelms you. It helped me - a lot.

Just a suggestion.

MK said...

I hated feeling uncomfortable and anxious in my own skin. Kind of impatient and apprehensive - the way you feel now but it does get better. It doesn't go away but it's not as constant. Big hugs.

Catherine W said...

So much of this sounds familiar. Although my equivalent of manicures would have to be over purchasing of mascaras and reading lots of chick lit. And yup, definitely also much more superstitious and obsessively count magpies.

I'm so sorry that it's tough with your friend J at the moment.

I don't think you have to be 'over it' by now. Take your time and try to go easy on yourself. This waiting game is no fun is it? x

B said...

thank you stephen. i know you've had plenty to deal with yourself recently. thinking of you too.

thank you jorgelina x

shelley - i have done this in the past and it has helped, but right now even knowing that in many ways i'm blessed with a lot (and i know i am, don't get me wrong) i am ungrateful and unhappy. and then i just feel bad for not appreciating my luck. hopefully in the future i will be able to appreciate the good once more.

MK - thank you so much .that's good to know.

catherine, it's funny how we all get so much more superstitious. even knowing it can't really make any difference, the superstitions become so much more important. i guess we try and grab control where we can.

thank you all, once more.