Thursday, 29 April 2010

this is NOT how it was supposed to go.

it was supposed to read pregnancy=babies.

not pregnancy=miscarriage. especially not pregnancy=the baby actually died four weeks ago. your body just hasn't expelled it yet.* and especially not miscarriage=grief and pain and finding out that grief really isn't linear (i was skeptical, before, when i heard people say that the pain was still as raw years later than it is the day you loose someone. that it just became something you learned to live with. didn't really believe it at all. i wasn't unsympathetic, i just didn't get it.

i do now.)

i was only 32 when we started trying. not that old. suddenly now i'm 34 and feel a hundred years older than that.

and i feel crazy for even bothering to hope that one day it might work out for us.

not for believing it. i don't believe anything any more.

* as an aside, i still find it hard to accept that my body held onto the baby for four weeks after it died. all the NHS staff i've spoken to about it tell me that something would have happened in the end. but how can i believe that?

does anyone have any idea how long it can take for your body to catch up with what's happened? not that it really matters now, i suppose, but i've been wondering for the last five months.


i just phoned to find out what the eligibility criteria are for IVF where i live as google wasn't helping at all. upper age limit 39. three years unexplained infertility - but GPs can refer you earlier (and i said we'd only been trying a year [although i didn't explain the circumstances] and she said that was ok). no kids from earlier relationships.

i think you only get two cycles - i forgot to ask that, but that did seem to be the case from google.

so at least there is still a glimmer of hope. i suddenly got terrified that this was going to be one of those areas where you can only get IVF treatment up to age 35.


lis said...

oh B there is so much more than a glimmer!

i know you are having a hard time right now so let me be positive and hopeful for you...things WILL be okay. this too shall pass my friend.

one day this will all be just a bad dream.


Jorgelina said...

My comment is not really related to what you posted, just something caught my eye about it. I don't know if you did it on purpose or if it was a Freudian slip; and doubt me pointing it out will be of any help.

You said "(i was skeptical, before, when i heard people say that the pain was still as raw years later than it is the day you loose someone." "The day you loose someone".
I think you meant "lose"
To lose: (vb) suffer the loss of a person through death or removal; "She lost her husband in the war"; "The couple that wanted to adopt the child lost her when the biological parents claimed her".

But instead you typed

To loose: (vb) 1 become loose or looser or less tight;
2 loosen, loose: make loose or looser; "loosen the tension on a rope"

To loose (adj)emptying easily or excessively; "loose bowels"

And then you said " i still find it hard to accept that my body held onto the baby for four weeks after it died"

To hold on: (vb) 4 grasp, hold on, hold firmly

I think what makes you hurt the most is to believe/feel/think that it was your fault. That you made it hold on to you, and that it was you who let the baby get loose; that you lost it, loosening it from you.

I really wish I could say anything to make you feel better. I wish I could have the magic word for you.

I really hope you feel better soon. It's ups and downs, I guess.
Be strong ARE strong!

Sending you my love and my good wishes. *hugs*

B said...

thank you lis. and next time you're having a bad bad time i will hopefully be able to hold hope and positivity for you.

thank you jorgelina. i think maybe you help more than you know. it's a mistake i make all the time, but i think sometimes these things mean something.

Kate.Kingsley said...

Thinking of you, sweetie

Can't think of anything smart or clever to say, but just wanted to check in & say hi


Anonymous said...


Please stop beating yourself up.

Miscarriages are nature's way of putting a mistake, made by nature, right.

I know this is hard to take on board, but it is so.

Come for a rant,rave,shout,cry a hug and a cuppa.

Take it all out on a stranger who cares. You have the email address.

It helps.

mrs K

PJF said...

I came here from your Newcastle daily photo site. I can’t begin to understand how you feel about your loss. However, I hope that you don’t lose sight of your dream, and feel that having a baby is beyond hope. I can only speak from my own experiences: both of my kids were born when my wife was several years older than you are now (after much trying). Several of our neighbours have similar stories. I know at least 3 couples in my circle of friends who successfully used IVF; one couple tried for a baby 10 years (!),IVF finally worked and their daughter is now approaching her 2nd birthday. I have other friends and colleagues who did not want to go through IVF and chose to adopt. None of these options are easy but they can work. Please, please believe that there is more than a “glimmer of hope” for you.

lis said...


your little statement on the benefit of miscarriage correcting a 'mistake' is WAY OFF BASE. even if for some there is a genetic or physical reason for early miscarriage (which is not what B had) EVEN THEN how on earth can you think that statement would help anyone feel better?

and B is not beating herself up about it. she is grieving a loss of the hopes, dreams and plans of a child. a child who was real and lived in her womb for 13 weeks. a child she loved and gave her body to. a child made of her and her husband, conceived out of love. that could never be a mistake.

this grief not something to be dismissed lightly with platitudes. if you don't want to help or support her grieving just don't read it! certainly telling someone that the baby they planned for and nurtured and lived for for so long was a mistake was just wrong. it was a poor, poor choice of words to use to console (? i am giving you the benefit of the doubt here by trying to believe you were attempting consolation) someone who is obviously hurting acutely.

let's just go ahead and follow the old adage of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, hmm?"

Anonymous said...


As an oldie, all I can say to you, is there is more in this world of ours than we can ever begin to understand. I have so many, still alive, friends of my age, who have lost babies, children, teenagers, husbands, wives and people who they cared for desperately, sought cures both within and outside the medical sphere. Seen some that recovered when the medics gave up hope. Explanation for which there was none.

There always is hope and nowhere did I say there was not.

I have never met Beth, but I care.

Human grief is unbearable to watch.

lis said...

mrs k, in no way am i saying that you or people you know haven't experienced or lived through grief. but it is fairly obvious you have not experienced this particular flavor of grief. i think the word mistake is a poor choice. i did not mean to insinuate that B has no hope, as i feel she is just steps away from a brighter, happier day.

and isn't that all we really want?

B- heading to the in-laws...the answer to your question is yes, but i need some time on that one. talk soon...i have lots to say


B said...

thank you mrs k. some of what you say is badly phrased but i know what you mean. maybe once mid-may is here, maybe Mark Toney's?

PJF - i wouldn't have believed that a comment saying all that could be reassuring, but it really was. thank you.

lis - thank you for saying what i can't. many hugs honey xxx