another day closer.
it's hard to believe that in another universe, i would (could, should) have been only three days away from my due date.
and even then, i wouldn't have been home dry. i wish i didn't know the many and varied ways things can go wrong.
it's hard to accept how long has passed. how skewed the timing is. it's 22 weeks since we found out what happened. 22 weeks. over five months. how has so much time passed?
the baby didn't even exist for that long.
i never sat and read to the baby when i was pregnant.
i never sat and relaxed and talked to it.
i never did a lot of things. i was going to do those things. but i was only 17 weeks. (i wasn't even 17 weeks. i was 16+6.) i was going to start soon. 17 weeks was a bit early. i was going to start doing them in the few weeks following.
i hope the baby knew i loved it and wanted it very very much.
i don't know if it did.
i didn't really do anything different after i found out i was pregnant. not until i was 15 weeks. i got mega stressed and upset that day, a sunday, and ended up going to the hospital. they checked my blood pressure and everything and told me i needed to relax. told me to take a fortnight off work sick, actually. told me i was far too stressed.
i took a day off then went back to work.
i tried to slow down a little. after that. to stop worrying so much. to stop running round so much. i told work that i knew i needed to calm down a bit, and they were really supportive.
but it wouldn't have made any difference. the baby had already died.
(why didn't they try and listen to the baby's heartbeat that day? why didn't they pick up that something was seriously wrong? why didn't they send me for a scan? it wouldn't have made any difference. but it would. it would have meant the baby was only dead for two weeks before i found out, rather than four.)
i'm on leave this week. but work have told me to let them know if i'm not fit for work so they can mark it down as sick leave.
i don't know what to do. i took this week as leave because i knew i wouldn't be fit to go to work.
i'll ask what the doctor thinks when i see her.
D couldn't get the week off work (long story involving his work knowing why he asked for the time but not letting him take my due date as leave) so i decided to have a clearout. to get rid of all our rubbish. to deal with all the paperwork. to try and make this place pleasant to live in again.
it only just occurred to me now that in another universe, i might have been doing the same thing.
i might have been calling it nesting.
the thought tastes bitter.
my mum and dad have been saying for a long time that they wanted to come up for my due date. just to make sure i was ok. just to be here if i needed them.
i umm-ed and ah-ed. i wanted D here with me. i wasn't sure if i wanted them too.
in the end they said they would come and stay anyway. they would find other things to do if i didn't want to see them. but that they would drop everything and be here for me if i did.
i'm so glad now that they will be here.
i wish so badly that they were coming up to meet their first grandchild.
my middle sister gets married in september.
i'm terrified that she will end up having a baby before me.
i know in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
it would hurt.
and i hate that i even think of these things.