Monday, 3 May 2010

another day closer.

it's hard to believe that in another universe, i would (could, should) have been only three days away from my due date.

and even then, i wouldn't have been home dry. i wish i didn't know the many and varied ways things can go wrong.

it's hard to accept how long has passed. how skewed the timing is. it's 22 weeks since we found out what happened. 22 weeks. over five months. how has so much time passed?

the baby didn't even exist for that long.


i never sat and read to the baby when i was pregnant.

i never sat and relaxed and talked to it.

i never did a lot of things. i was going to do those things. but i was only 17 weeks. (i wasn't even 17 weeks. i was 16+6.) i was going to start soon. 17 weeks was a bit early. i was going to start doing them in the few weeks following.

i hope the baby knew i loved it and wanted it very very much.

i don't know if it did.

i didn't really do anything different after i found out i was pregnant. not until i was 15 weeks. i got mega stressed and upset that day, a sunday, and ended up going to the hospital. they checked my blood pressure and everything and told me i needed to relax. told me to take a fortnight off work sick, actually. told me i was far too stressed.

i took a day off then went back to work.

i tried to slow down a little. after that. to stop worrying so much. to stop running round so much. i told work that i knew i needed to calm down a bit, and they were really supportive.

but it wouldn't have made any difference. the baby had already died.

(why didn't they try and listen to the baby's heartbeat that day? why didn't they pick up that something was seriously wrong? why didn't they send me for a scan? it wouldn't have made any difference. but it would. it would have meant the baby was only dead for two weeks before i found out, rather than four.)


i'm on leave this week. but work have told me to let them know if i'm not fit for work so they can mark it down as sick leave.

i don't know what to do. i took this week as leave because i knew i wouldn't be fit to go to work.

i'll ask what the doctor thinks when i see her.

D couldn't get the week off work (long story involving his work knowing why he asked for the time but not letting him take my due date as leave) so i decided to have a clearout. to get rid of all our rubbish. to deal with all the paperwork. to try and make this place pleasant to live in again.

it only just occurred to me now that in another universe, i might have been doing the same thing.

i might have been calling it nesting.

the thought tastes bitter.


my mum and dad have been saying for a long time that they wanted to come up for my due date. just to make sure i was ok. just to be here if i needed them.

i umm-ed and ah-ed. i wanted D here with me. i wasn't sure if i wanted them too.

in the end they said they would come and stay anyway. they would find other things to do if i didn't want to see them. but that they would drop everything and be here for me if i did.

i'm so glad now that they will be here.


i wish so badly that they were coming up to meet their first grandchild.


my middle sister gets married in september.

i'm terrified that she will end up having a baby before me.

i know in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn't be the worst thing.


it would hurt.

and i hate that i even think of these things.


lis said...

i hope that for you, like me, getting to and past your due date brings a sense of closure and a tidbit of relief. i was so glad to feel like my necessary vigil was over and life could start working it's way back to normal.

i didn't do many of those things either, i didn't read to them, talk to them, i only reveled in them. oh, but, how i did that! what a wonder we are waiting to be blessed with again...i believe for me and for you.


Tammy said...

I am so sorry for your loss... you have to feel the loss fully...feel it. Don't let anyone convince you that you need to just get over it, or past it. Warm, gentle hungs... and hope that your dream of a babe in your arms will come true, and soon. For now, take care of you...

biojen said...

I can't find any comforting words from where I am right now. I just have to hope that we will be better next week. All I can offer in the meantime is virtual hugs and tears for our lost ones, and our lost innocence.

I'm glad someone will be there for you.

B said...

thanks lis. i hope you're right, on both points.

thank you tammy. your words and wishes are much appreciated.

jen - i couldn't ask for anything else from you. i wish we were closer and could meet.

thank you so much. i wish we didn't have to go through this.

Sarah H (from Glow) said...

There's nothing I can say to help relieve your pain, but I'm thinking of you this week.

And I believe your baby knew it was loved - it was part of you, and regardless of our actions, there is a love story between a mother and her child.

Wishing you peace,

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you over the coming days B.

I wish I'd done more too. I also thought I was 'safe' and I often wonder how it is I've spent so long mourning a child whose existence I was only aware of just over eleven weeks. Until my first scan I was convinced I was expecting a single boy. Great instincts eh?

I agree with Sarah H, I feel certain that your baby knew that he or she was loved, your child was surrounded by you and your love throughout their existence.

I'm so sorry that D couldn't get the week off and I'm glad that your mum and dad will be there. I think it will help to have people who love you around you?

Oh B. I just wish these days were different for you and your family. I wish I had the right words to tell you how terribly sorry I am my dear. Love C xo

B said...

thank you sarah. thank you. i hope you are right.

catherine - thank you, too. thank you so much for understanding how skewed the timing is. 11 weeks, 9 weeks - it doesn't matter. we'll still mourn them forever, in one way or another.