i actually felt more normal yesterday than i've done any other day this week.
(probably more normal than i've felt for the last couple of weeks, in fact.)
i found the days preceding incredibly difficult. maybe that made the day itself less hard? it's hard to tell.
it did also help knowing quite how many people were thinking about us. about me, about D. about the baby. i have no shame about the fact i asked for this on facebook.
(i'm always in favour of letting people know what i need. i would hope that people would remember the dates that matter, but people are busy, and these things aren't as important to them. other people's children will never be as important. other people's dead children even less so. so if i need people to remember, i'd rather remind them than be disappointed and hurt.)
but anyway. today i'm back to feeling uneasy, and hollow, and nervous, and sad.
i've never admitted it out loud before, although i do suspect i've written it here. but i admitted this to my counsellor today.
when i was pregnant. i never actually saw us with a baby. i never imagined us with a baby. in our arms, in a cot in our room.
in our hearts. but then, i didn't need to imagine that bit.
every day, i expected to start bleeding. i had no reason to expect that. i thought the fear would stop after the 12 week scan.
i was convinced - convinced - that at our 12 week scan they were going to tell me the baby had no heartbeat. the scan was on a monday; i spent a large proportion of the weekend googling 'missed miscarriage' and trying to work out what our risk was.
i was amazed - amazed - when all was well.
ironically, that must have been about the time things started to go wrong for the baby. it stopped growing only ten days later.
about the same time that i started to think that everything was ok. ironic, huh?
i do believe that my subconscious mind knew something was wrong. long, long before my conscious mind was clued in.
i wish my subconscious mind had given me a heads up.
i still feel guilty.
that i never imagined. my baby, in my arms.