Thursday, 27 May 2010

i keep seeing pairs of magpies and crows.

and i asked my husband's yoda-figurine-magic8ball-type thing if this was the month and it said yes (for the first time EVER).

and i am currently 11 days past ovulation without my temp dropping back under the baseline. (i know that's not really anything, but i usually only ever got ten days past without my temp dropping.) (well, it's dropped, but not that far, and it's stayed constant the last two days (usually if it drops it keeps dropping consistently). it's nowhere near as high as it was at the weekend - but then it's 10 degrees colder at the mo than it was at the weekend.)

BUT.

i have done two super-sensitive pregnancy tests (the first response 'i can tell you six whole days before your period is due!!!!!' tests), and they both said no. not pregnant.

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i might be pregnant!

but i did two tests and they were both negative.

but the magpies! and the crows!

but i did two tests. and they were both negative.

but... *yoda*! he knows these things, right?

but i did two tests....

and 11dpo! that never happens! how exciting!!!

and they were both negative! why are you not listening???

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this is playing on a constant loop in my brain.

it's exhausting.

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work is ok. the one thing i'm really relieved about is that i actually a) quite enjoy my job, and b) work with people i like and respect. it's terrifying enough going back to work. i remember how horrendous one or two of my jobs have been, how unhappy i was there. it would have been unbearable to go back if i was still in one of those jobs.

none of the managers were around yesterday when i went back, they were all off at a meeting. i was quite relieved; it gave me space to get used to being back again, but then today i was really scared of seeing them. today the people i work for were both caught up in another meeting; i was actually quite scared of seeing them. they have never been anything other than supportive, but i'm still scared that one day they will run out of sympathy.

i made myself go and see both my managers once they were out of their meeting, before i left for the day. they both smiled to see me, looked genuinely happy that i was back and had a smile on my face. both told me they were glad to see me.

it was quite a relief.

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my line manager is away for a fortnight from tomorrow, but at least her manager is around. i know she'll look after me if i need it. but hopefully i won't need it.

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i'm trying to look after myself at the mo. trying to lie on the sofa and watch TV or faff on my laptop (... i've been here since 5.10pm today and it's currently 9pm; i only got up to make tea. that NEVER happens) rather than be doing something every minute of the day.

trying to eat better. that one's hard at the minute, but i'm getting there.

trying to get to sleep earlier. i'm a night owl, i'm really bad at that, but i'm trying.

i don't think that not looking after myself has stopped me from conceiving, but looking after myself isn't going to do me any harm. errm, obviously.

my sister gave me a gift voucher for a health and beauty place. for christmas.

i haven't used it yet. should i book? i might be pregnant. should i book one of the pregnancy packages so they don't use anything that's dangerous in pregnancy? should i wait?

i've been waiting so long. i finally booked it for next week. aromatherapy full body massage.

if i get a +ve? well, i guess i'll cross that bridge if i come to it.

but it's time to look after myself.

i'm going to email the acupuncturist again, too.

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anything else you can suggest for me to take care of myself?

3 comments:

C.A. Marshall said...

Drink lots of water and stay active both physically and intellectually. :)

I hope this is the month for you!

Catherine W said...

Oh ick. I have those own circular arguments in my head too. It is very tiring especially as I insist on clinging on to hope until the very, very last every single cycle!

I'm glad you have good colleagues and a job you enjoy. As you say, I can't imagine going back to a job I was miserable about. Not after all this.

Great idea to look after yourself and I'm glad you booked your health and beauty thing. I find I keep putting things off thinking I might be pregnant. I think I'm just going to start assuming that I won't be until proven otherwise now.

I don't have any brilliant suggestions but I like all the things you've thought of so far. Just treat yourself with kindness really. That's all I've got. x

lis said...

i could have written this post myself, with just a few words changed out. im there with you. im losing hope though, today.

xoxo