Tuesday, 11 May 2010

i'm putting everything on hold.

i was working towards an Open University degree. but now i'm not. what if i get pregnant, and have morning sickness and can't work? what if i get pregnant and can't meet my deadlines?

(or what if i lose another baby? i sure as hell wouldn't be able to work then)

and we're not moving house any more. our mortgage is really small at the mo. if we moved it would go up quite a lot. how would we pay it if i was off on maternity leave?

(or how would we pay it if i lost another baby, and i went onto half pay because i've had too much sick leave? how would we cope?)

i'm not running, even though the urge is starting to come back. because i won't run while pregnant, and what's the point in starting if i can't carry on?

and i'm sure as hell not progressing my fledgling career in writing.

(i can't remember if i mentioned it here, but i got a story accepted for publication a few months back. (it hasn't been published yet - i will mention when it does.) but you know what? i don't care. i should be excited! i should be pleased that i've been paid for something it's really hard to get paid for. i should be thrilled that my hard work has been recognised. but you know what? i don't give a shit.)

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but.

i'm not pregnant.

i don't know if i ever will be.

it could be this month.

it could be the end of next year.

it could be the twelfth of never.

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how long do i keep waiting? how long do i refuse to start anything new?

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today i spotted on someone's facebook wall that one of her friends had a miscarriage at 5 months.

i sent her a message, linking her here and to glow in the woods.

i don't know if that was the right thing to do. but she sounded devastated.

(she sounded like me a few months ago.)

i don't care if she thought i was odd.

i just hope she's OK.

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(i'm trying to ignore the change in prime minister. i have enough problems without the frickin' tories getting into power. i still can't believe it's come to this)

3 comments:

C.A. Marshall said...

I think the fact that you recognise that you know there will come a time when you can no longer wait to start again... I think that means you're going to be ok. It'll be hard, for sure, but you'll be ok, whatever happens.

::hugs::

Kelly said...

"how long do i keep waiting? how long do i refuse to start anything new?"

This quote (and the competing emotions that you described) are feelings that I can relate to all too well.

lis said...

i have been in all of those places you describe, and asked myself all of those questions.

the answer, for me, was to keep living because my future babies deserve a healthy mother. i want more babies and i couldn't, just could not have them in the state i was in.

also, i think my experience cured T and i of putting things off "just in case." there was way too much of that the first time around, and we missed out on so many things that we really should have done. the next time i am pregnant, i will not be planning (or turning down plans) for many months out. i just can't do it.

as for whether you will lose another, you have to know that the odds are in your favor that you will not. and if you do, the doctors will find a reason for it. we are going into everything with absolutely no expectations. that way, we may get hurt, but nothing like what we have been through.

and i was thinking today, maybe you should write about that gory terrible sad sad stuff that is in your heart. when i did i felt much better, when i wrote for myself and my health and didnt worry about what other people thought. if you have a lot of IRL friends who read, maybe start an anonymous blog to get your emotions/feelings out? i know talking about what really happened helped me tremendously.

i hope you feel better soon. take care of your future babies' mom. start there.

xoxo