last night, i went to bed - and suddenly i was wide awake.
i tried to sleep for a little while, but i couldn't even lie still. i gave up in the end, and got up and faffed on the interweb for a while. a long while.
i got back in bed around 4am. still couldn't sleep. i think i slept about two hours before D got up for work. i slept about three more hours after he went out. i usually need seven, or eight for preference. still, i reasoned, it was a one-off. i'd sleep well tonight.
good theory. but tonight, i got into bed, and bing. wide awake once more and here i sit on the interweb, again. lather, rinse, repeat.
i go back to the doctors on wednesday. i don't want to end up on antidepressants, but it seems more and more likely.
my mum told me today that one of my relatives - someone who struggles daily with mental health issues, but who copes amazingly well - had asked if i'd hit rock bottom. and i thought, maybe i have. maybe this is as bad as it will get. maybe i can make my way back up from here. maybe i don't need the drugs after all.
i don't want to take something that is going to interfere with my grieving process. i don't want to postpone my grief. i don't want to suddenly find out ten years down the line that i haven't finished processing this and end up having a breakdown.
but then, i don't want to find that i can't cope with my job. that i isolate myself more and more from my friends. that if i do manage to get pregnant i spend the whole nine months vacillating between anxiety, fear and depression.
i suppose that making calls on difficult decisions like these is why GPs get paid so much. i suppose that's why i'm going to see her on wednesday.
one of my friends got married on 10 april. it was her birthday six days ago.
i have texted her but haven't sent either cards or pressies for either occasion.
i hate myself for that.
my pregnant best friend, the one i can't cope with seeing? her birthday is on wednesday. i had managed to forget until today. i suspect my subconscious did this deliberately.
i want to see her. so badly. but she is now 31 weeks pregnant, and that's not something i can manage to ignore.
it sucks that i can't accept the support i know she wants to give me.
it sucks that i can't be there for her while she is pregnant. that i haven't seen any of her scan pics (.. she would email them but doesn't have a scanner.) that i can't just laugh and joke with her about pregnancy.
it sucks that i put up with seeing MY HUSBAND'S EX GIRLFRIEND, and yet my own best friend is too hard for me to see. (... that sucks even more for him though, so there you go.)
i keep writing posts in my head. honestly, if even half the blog posts i start writing in my mind made it to this blog, it would be a full time job keeping up with me.