Tuesday, 11 May 2010

last night, i went to bed - and suddenly i was wide awake.

i tried to sleep for a little while, but i couldn't even lie still. i gave up in the end, and got up and faffed on the interweb for a while. a long while.

i got back in bed around 4am. still couldn't sleep. i think i slept about two hours before D got up for work. i slept about three more hours after he went out. i usually need seven, or eight for preference. still, i reasoned, it was a one-off. i'd sleep well tonight.

good theory. but tonight, i got into bed, and bing. wide awake once more and here i sit on the interweb, again. lather, rinse, repeat.

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i go back to the doctors on wednesday. i don't want to end up on antidepressants, but it seems more and more likely.

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my mum told me today that one of my relatives - someone who struggles daily with mental health issues, but who copes amazingly well - had asked if i'd hit rock bottom. and i thought, maybe i have. maybe this is as bad as it will get. maybe i can make my way back up from here. maybe i don't need the drugs after all.

i don't want to take something that is going to interfere with my grieving process. i don't want to postpone my grief. i don't want to suddenly find out ten years down the line that i haven't finished processing this and end up having a breakdown.

but then, i don't want to find that i can't cope with my job. that i isolate myself more and more from my friends. that if i do manage to get pregnant i spend the whole nine months vacillating between anxiety, fear and depression.

i suppose that making calls on difficult decisions like these is why GPs get paid so much. i suppose that's why i'm going to see her on wednesday.

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one of my friends got married on 10 april. it was her birthday six days ago.

i have texted her but haven't sent either cards or pressies for either occasion.

i hate myself for that.

my pregnant best friend, the one i can't cope with seeing? her birthday is on wednesday. i had managed to forget until today. i suspect my subconscious did this deliberately.

i want to see her. so badly. but she is now 31 weeks pregnant, and that's not something i can manage to ignore.

it sucks that i can't accept the support i know she wants to give me.

it sucks that i can't be there for her while she is pregnant. that i haven't seen any of her scan pics (.. she would email them but doesn't have a scanner.) that i can't just laugh and joke with her about pregnancy.

it sucks that i put up with seeing MY HUSBAND'S EX GIRLFRIEND, and yet my own best friend is too hard for me to see. (... that sucks even more for him though, so there you go.)

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i keep writing posts in my head. honestly, if even half the blog posts i start writing in my mind made it to this blog, it would be a full time job keeping up with me.

5 comments:

lis said...

i dont know how far back it was when you joined me, but i went through the exact same thing with sleeping. when i finally went to the doctor, i was diagnosed with complicated grief. the medicine he gave me helped so much more than the first time i had tried to take something a couple months earlier because i was dying for something to take the pain away, the grief away.

the medicine will not do that. it does not take away the pain or the grief of the loss. it certainly made my days easier, gave me the idea that there was something to wake up for in the morning, a reason to go on.

whatever you decide, i do hope that you find some peace, and soon. im worried about you. ive been there and it is a dark, horrid place. i dont want you to stay there long.

xoxo

Sarah H (from Glow) said...

I'm taking an anti-anxiety med as well as occasional sleeping pills to help me through the grief - I completely understand where you're coming from.

I also get the feeling that this may be bottom. I hope it is, because the only way to go from here is up. I believe in the up - it keeps me going.

Take care b.

S
xo

trousers said...

I took antidepressants, commencing a few months after the death of my father. They were less to do with the grief, than what the grief triggered off - anxiety, depression, ocd, insomnia and so on. I was still on the journey of the grieving process while I took them.

Taking them didn't provide any answers - not a single one (nor would one expect them to) - but they put me in a place for a while where I could actually start to think properly about the questions.

This isn't a recommendation, just a brief (and overly simple) summary of my own experience.. I'd be happy to discuss anything relevant via email should you so wish.

trousers said...

I can't remember now (forgive me) how far you'd looked into - or begun receiving - anything else, such as talking therapies, counselling etc.

If I was going to recommend anything, it's that you discuss with your GP just what options are available. I know it's easier with some GPs than others, but if you've got one that you can talk to, try and get as much information from them as you feel you need to get.

B said...

thank you all. your comments really help.

i saw a counsellor dealing in pregnancy loss in jan-feb. she was a bit useless, but she got me through. i'm now seeing a counsellor through work - which i think i've mentioned in the comment but not actually posted about. i keep meaning to talk about it.

i just filled in my questionnaire about how i am doing. not very well, it turns out. it helps to know that others have found drugs of various kinds helpful.

i want to think i can get through this on strength of will alone. but hey, i can't. it's not an admission of weakness. i don't think. i've come a long way on my own. i just need help to go the rest of the way. that's ok, right?