Wednesday, 26 May 2010

looking in a drawer for some wrapping paper for a birthday present just before, i found an envelope that i recognised as one of my credit card statements.

it shouldn't have been in that drawer. i pulled it out, wondering how on earth it had got there. i assumed D had stuck it in there when tidying up before our living room was replastered back in november.

there was another envelope, too. i picked it up.

and underneath?

the original recipe 'welcome to Tesco Baby & Toddler Club' letter and magazine.

i guess that (kind of) explains this.

i opened it, and found the number. called and got myself taken off the list. i was really short with the poor guy, but he was really nice. i didn't even tell him what list i wanted to be removed from.

i wonder if he saw the only list i was on and immediately worked out some version of the truth.

i feel bad for being short with him. it wasn't his fault.

it wasn't anyone's fault.


for no particular reason, i looked at pregnancy books today, in WH Smiths and Boots.

i opened the indices and looked for what they contained on miscarriage and stillbirth.

none of them had anything worth talking about.

one of them had two pages on miscarriage - containing such gems as 'most take place really early so by the time you're reading this your risk is smaller' and 'it might comfort you to know that most miscarriages occur because something is wrong with the baby' - and didn't mention stillbirth at all.

another had a few entries for miscarriage but under stillbirth just had the address for SANDS.

i don't think i need to tell anyone here how screwed up that is.


part of me wants to write a pregnancy book for mothers post-loss.

part of me wants to write a more realistic pregnancy book, full stop.


Catherine W said...

How I wish for that more realistic pregnancy book. I worried my way through my pregnancy and all those books (and the doctors) give you is reassurance.
Perhaps it might have been better for them to tell me, straight up, this is what having a miscarriage involves, this is what a NICU looks like. Would have made the whole experience slightly less shocking and isolating. I thought I what had happened to me was very, very rare as it was never even mooted as a possibility. But it isn't rare. It is sadly all too common.
I hope you write that book. I know I've gained a lot from reading your words here. x

Anonymous said...

I do not know if this will help you:

Rach said...

Wow so I should be "comforted" to know that all 8 of my babies died because there was something wrong with them.....hmm no that actually makes me feel worse because not only can I "not hold onto" a pregnancy but now the pregnancy I do create is rooted from the word go, so my body really IS fucked up.

Arrrrrgh verbal bullshit spills from peoples mouths and now it's in written form as well!

As for writing the book, why not? What's stopping you? It could help you "heal" - I hate myself for writing that because you WILL heal in your OWN time but helping others may also help you.

Big hugs...