Saturday, 1 May 2010

a lot of people in the comments are suggesting variations on 'relax and it will happen' and 'your negativity might be stopping you from conceiving'. (phrased nicely, and i do believe the comments are coming from a good place, but that's what they boil down to.) and i wanted to talk about that.

those comments make me feel that my readers think it's my own fault that i'm not pregnant yet. that i am bringing this on myself. that until i can be all happiness and lightness and peaceful, that i don't deserve for it to happen.

i know that's not what you mean (... at least i hope that's not what you mean) but that's how i feel when i see them.

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the last time before yesterday that i saw my acupuncturist was 16th april. last time i saw my GP was 13th april. at that point? i agreed with my GP that i didn't need any more regular appointments. that i had come a very long way since i first saw her, back at the beginning of january. that i was a lot calmer, more accepting of what happened.

my acupuncturist, a few days later, said something very similar. that i was looking much better, much more at peace with myself.

that was in the run up to ovulation.

and i was ok, during the run up to ovulation. i was peaceful. i was calm. i was even laissez-faire about the whole thing. i had surrendered myself to the fates. if it happened this month, it happened. if it didn't it didn't.

it was just after ovulation that i started to journey downwards again. and the reason i've started to journey back down into grief is because a) i reached the five month anniversary of finding out the baby had died, and monthly anniversaries are always hard for me (... although now it tends to be the few days after, not the actual date itself), and b) my due date is rapidly approaching and i am mourning the loss of my pregnancy and my baby (jen said something recently about them being different, and i think she has a point).

this dark, miserable, exhausting patch on this road of grieving and healing is not because i'm not pregnant yet. that only set in in the last day or two.

there is no rhyme and reason to these things.

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please, for the love of god, don't tell me 'when i started doing this it happened for me'. even if you think that whatever you did might be something good for me to try. suggest it, by all means, but don't tell me that it worked for you.

because if i do whatever you did, and i don't immediately get pregnant? i just take that as further evidence that the baby i lost was a fluke; that one (or both) of us is (or are) infertile; and that it's never going to happen.

(logic flew away from me a long time ago now. about the same time that i lost a baby i should not have lost.)

acupuncture? didn't magically make me pregnant (kate i'm not aiming that at you - but someone else did say that the first month she had acupuncture she got pregnant)

spe.rm friendly lubr.icant? didn't magically make me pregnant.

relaxing and letting the fates decide? didn't magically make me pregnant.

realising that the baby really did die and any future baby wouldn't be the reincarnation of the one that i lost? didn't magically make me pregnant.

what else is there?

and like i said yesterday, 'i'm aware that without fert.ile cm (and for some reason i don't seem to produce the stuff), it's an uphill struggle.'

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i haven't got months. i haven't got years. i can't run the risk of giving myself a few months off, because i'm close enough to 35 to be very aware that with every month i don't conceive, my risk of miscarriage rises. how fckng ironic.

i'd be ok with the thought of IVF. but success rates are low. and two of my friends have had successful IVF. so that obviously means that i'd fall foul of the stats.

(i know stats don't work like that, but in my head they do.)

i'd be ok with the thought of adoption. maybe we'll do that in the long run, whether we have a child 'naturally' or now. but i want a child that's made of that bizarre combination of D and me, as well.

---

i want a child. here with me, in my arms.

i don't want to be here.

i want my other life back.

---

i don't often use the word 'should'.

i don't say, very often, that i 'should' still be pregnant. because if i 'should' have been pregnant, i would still be pregnant.

but -

but -

i want to live in that other world. where the baby was ok.

where we would (could? should?) have been parents in a few short days.

8 comments:

Helen said...

I don't know what to say. But I'm here. I'm listening. x

biojen said...

I'm sorry you didn't get to keep that peace. Being in this place is so hard in so many different ways. I know everything anyone says to me has the potential to be painful. Some people are just trying to help, others are being deliberately insensitive. I am sure at some point in this journey I have said something stupid to someone hurting. I just hope it wasn't a lasting hurt. And I hope your hurts are not lasting. I wish so much that you could get your baby, as fast and as easily as possible.

This must have been a hard post to write but I'm glad you did. Blogging is a little bit harder than talking - there is no way to tell if something we say is hurtful, unless you tell us. I hope these next five days and the days beyond are not so brutally hard. I'm thinking of you all the time.

Catherine W said...

Would, could, should. I spend a lot of time with that horrid little trio myself.

I don't know. Also without logic or solutions and throwing all my purported statistical knowledge gaily to the winds. x

DK Leather said...

~points at biojen~
What she said... just hugs and love xxx

Illanare said...

I use words like unfair, should, deserve, don't deserve all the time. Because it IS unfair, we should be pregnant, we deserve to have children, we didn't deserve this. And I don't care if that makes me sound ridiculous and pouting - it's just how I feel most of the time.

I wish I had wise and comforting words for you. But as I don't, I'm sending warm thoughts virtual support northwards instead.

Kate.Kingsley said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way b, and I hope you didn't interpret my comment the other day to be pushing the 'just relax' thing. I really did not intend that at all ~ as I said, I heard it from so many people time and time again and it just made me want to smash them in the face, so I would never take that approach with anyone else. I was just trying to get across that I know how you feel, because in the seven months it took me to conceive again i went through the temping/testing torture until I almost lost my mind. I can vividly remember sitting on the side of the bed howling like an animal at yet another negative test and wondering how the hell I was going to pull myself together enough to make through another day, let alone another cycle. I just wanted to share that it is possible to have been in that hideous black place, and to climb back out of the other side.
I've got a suggestion re the fertile cm thing (I never had much either) but I want to be sensitive regarding the 'this worked for me, it will work for you' thing, because I know how infuriating that can be. Would you prefer me to email you privately?
I know there's nothing anyone can do or say to ease this pain for you, but everyone wishes that they could.
Lots of love to you xxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

B: A big hug all the way from deepest Chile to you up there in the North.Claudia

B said...

i tried to reply before but blogger ate my comment :(

thank you helen. it's good to know people are listening.

thank you jen. i'm thinking of you too. i wish we hadn't had to meet like this, but if what happened had to happen? i'm glad we did.

oh catherine. if only things were different. for all of us.

thank you illanare. support always welcome.

kate - you are a rock. i wish you didn't understand but i'm glad you do. please do email me (did you get my texts?)

thank you claudia. hugs also always welcome.