Friday, 28 May 2010

temp dropped again today.*
f-u-c-k.

i can't help but feel that i've been here before. i feel like i'm reliving the same thing again and again and expecting different outcomes.

isn't that the definition of insanity?

(didn't i mention that before, too?)

---

all i want to do tonight is get horribly drunk.

i know it's not the brightest idea ever to drink on antidepressants. but hey ho.

---

to be honest, i'm more frustrated than upset. i feel that i went through the 'upset' (well, more like 'devastated') phase at the beginning of the week. today, all that's left is frustration, and fear. fear that i will never know what it feels like to carry a child, to feel it moving around inside me. to breastfeed. to look at a child and know that its genetic heritage comes from me and from my beloved D.

to look at a child and know that if it wasn't for D and me, that it wouldn't exist.

---

i walked into town at lunchtime. on the way back, i remembered.

i remembered not so much the day that i lost the baby, but the evening that followed.

i don't really remember the phone call to my mum. i don't really remember telling her.

(i think it's too painful to let myself think about.)

but i remembered phoning my youngest sister.

her voice.

she didn't hear what i said at first.

(or maybe she didn't want to believe what she was hearing.)

but when she realised what i was telling her, what had happened... her voice.

she sounded like a little child again.

i wanted desperately to tell her it wasn't real.

i think that was when the horror really started to hit me.

that this was really happening.

i wasn't in some awful movie.

i wish i could forget that phone call too. it obliterated the tiny piece of my heart that was left whole.

---

(i'm just glad that my other sister was out and my mum ended up getting hold of her before i did.

i wanted to tell her myself - i tried to - but she was out, and i couldn't bring myself to tell her fiance.

it might have left me broken forever, to have had to repeat it again that night.)

---

i was about half way back to work. there was a low wall next to the path. i sat down on it and let myself remember, just for a minute.

and then i pulled myself together and went back to work.

what else could i do?

---

the only way to make myself whole again, to be truly happy again right now, would be to erase this last year.

to go back in time, to stop us from trying to conceive in august.

and i want to be whole again.

i want to be happy.

i want to be cheerful.

i want my innocence back.

but -

i wouldn't.

i wouldn't do it.

i want my baby back.

it's not that i want to be me again, at the expense of my baby.

... i just want my baby with me, alive and well.

and i guess that's not possible.

so i guess i'll have to piece myself back together.

---

i don't want to forget.

---

i focus on trying to conceive. because i want to be mother to a living child.

because it's the only thing i can do.

because i don't want to sit around and remember how much it hurts that i lost my baby.

but it does.

---

six months on, and some days it hurts as much as it ever did.

and i think i lied, at the beginning of this post, when i said i wasn't upset.

---

* for those who don't have encyclopaedic knowledge of Taking Control of Your Fertility - honestly if i could clear out the metallica lyrics and the fertility knowledge and all the other junk that i don't actually need to store in my brain from my brain, i'd be able to take over the entire universe with the amount of brainpower that was suddenly freed up - your Basal Body Temperature [effectively your temperature when you wake up] is lower the first half of your menstrual cycle and higher the second half, post ovulation. if you are pregnant it remains high (and often gets even higher); if it drops that's a sign that your period will be making an appearance imminently.

7 comments:

Illanare said...

It may be the definition of insanity, but it's also the definition of (in the context of TTC, if nothing else) Insanity's sister Hope.

If you do decide to have a drink this evening, I will have one with you.

Thinking of you.

ooooner said...

i'm sorry, babe. all i can say is try to pick yourself up, put on a happy face whether you're happy or not, and try to enjoy the holiday weekend. there's always next month as you know, and that's part of the journey. i can't even relate to what you're going through, but when i'm feeling down, i try to spend time with my dog, or exercise, or have a beer or two with some friends. why not right? i haven't known you that long... do you have any pets? i bet a pet would be great for you if you don't.

Jorgelina said...

I'm short on words at the moment...Just thinking of you. *hugs*

B said...

thank you illanare. i like Hope being Insanity's sister. and thank you for having a drink with me.

oh god ooooner (i'm not sure if you go by your real name on blogs?) i would love a dog or a cat or a fish or anything. but we don't have enough space or time for a dog and the hubby hates cats and we have problems with damp, so fish wouldn't be a great idea either! maybe one day... and D says if we get a bigger place and a cat wouldn't be all up in his face we can still get one :)

thanks jorgelina, hugs always welcome.

biojen said...

Dammit! That really sucks that your temps dropped again.

As for the rest, I was nodding the whole time I was reading.

It broke something else in me to hear my little sister sobbing on the phone. I called her first and had her call everyone for me, I knew I couldn't handle it.

I wish we were closer, I would so buy you a drink (or 20). I hope you just have a broken thermometer - you deserve your baby.

B said...

my period turned up, and with a vengeance. urgh. maybe this month...

i ended up telling my mum, my youngest sister, my best friend and my line manager on the night we found out. my mum told the rest of my family, and my best friend spread the word amongst my friends. paul told his mum, his work and his grandparents. it was so hard, repeating those words again and again and hearing the shock and horror in people's voices.

it's not fair. none of us should ever, ever have to make even a single one of those phone calls.

i just wish i knew that one day it would all be ok.

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry B and thank you for the temperature explanation!

Oh that phone call. My heart breaks for you. The damage that this whole thing has inflicted on my younger sister is something that I will never, ever forgive myself for.

I've got my own low wall outside work, I've sat there many a time trying to pull myself together again.

I wish I could fix all of this for you my dear. It is frustrating and upsetting and devastating. x