Tuesday, 25 May 2010

there is so much going on - and so little going on - that i can't get my mind straight.

it's sixth months today since we found out the baby had died.

a neighbour who uses a wheelchair told me to cheer up, after telling me yesterday that i'm lucky that i can walk. i kind of grinned inwardly at that - i guess i can relate to thinking people don't appreciate what they have - but being told to cheer up today made me want to scream. or cry. or both.

my cycle this month is completely screwed up and i have no idea what's going on.

i'm going back to work tomorrow after nearly a month off. i think it might be a really bad idea but i kind of bullied my doctor into letting me try.

my doctor was mostly lovely and supportive today as usual, but i mentioned getting referred on for fertility testing again and she said something about in a few months, if nothing had happened, she'd refer us on for some 'advice' about 'what to do'. and not in a 'testing' way, in a 'check your cervical mucous and BBT and everything!' how condescending. i know what to do. i know we're doing it right, at the right time. proper fertility testing is the next step. and if nothing has happened by the end of next month i want a referral. and that's what she's agreed before.

i'm not young enough to have any patience in that regard.

i am self aware enough to know that we have a potential problem. i've discussed this with her in the past and she was understanding.

i didn't challenge her. hopefully she was just having a bad day.


i was fine thursday - sunday. absolutely fine. myself again. it felt really good. it felt like such a relief.

then yesterday i woke up horribly depressed again and had to force myself out of bed to get to the dental hospital and my counselling appointment.

i don't feel much better today.

i feel... damaged again. not broken - not like before - but like someone is hammering away at the cracks that have only just healed.

and this is going to sound frivolous in comparison to all the above, but i'm gutted that Lost is finally over. i've been using the finale to distract myself from my misery today. it's kind of worked at times, but it's still there.

i should just go to bed and let myself cry for a bit, but we're going to D's grandparents' tonight and i need to be ready to leave soon.


Illanare said...

Argh, this is all so cruelly hard. And no-one, regardless of their own personal circumstances, can tell you to "cheer up".

I'm a bit lacking in words today but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Rach said...

The one piece of advice I give when it comes to grief and "getting over things" is this....

Don't rush it, it will take as long as it takes and everyone is different.

Being told that you should be "lucky for something" isn't helpful. Everyone has issues and what may not be important to your neighbour is to you and vice versa.

If you don't feel ready to go back to work, then don't. Go in and if it's too much then leave - the mental toll it will take on you to stay somewhere that you aren't yet ready to be, isn't worth it.

Big hugs

biojen said...

I think i might have kicked the old lady. If she's in a wheelchair she may not have even felt it. *evil chuckle*

I hope the ad's work for you. It may take a few weeks and you may have to adjust the dosage a few times. I had to raise mine after a few weeks and I'm thinking I may need to raise it again.

Don't worry if you can't leave comments, I do understand. Just knowing you are thinking of me helps. I really hope we can be pregnant together and take a fat, healthy baby home.

If you should ever need me . . .