Monday, 10 May 2010


i just got a message from one of my friends. she's leaving newcastle and going back to scotland with her family.

she's one of very few people from the big group that i used to be part of that i still want to be friends with.

i haven't seen her since february january, and before that i hadn't seen her since november at least. but i feel desolate at the news. she was the person this night who understood. i don't think she's ever lost a baby, but she's part of this ALI world, and she understood.

i have no interest in socialising at the minute, but losing one of the real-life people i actually would want to socialise with has left me feeling even more lost and lonely than i did before. and i already felt very lost and lonely today.


i look in the mirror and i don't look any different. fatter, i suppose. i waver between comfort eating and a complete lack of appetite, but i've still put on weight since losing the baby (and typing those words suddenly made me cry. goodness knows why. i've typed them far too many times since the end of november).

isn't that the wrong way round? shouldn't i have permanently lost my appetite? the days when i sit and eat junk food, i disgust myself. i think i should have wasted away. withered away to nothing without my baby. not got fatter. especially not after i had been at a healthy weight (finally!) before getting pregnant.

but there are no wrinkles. no stretch marks. no lines of grief marking my face.

i look the same, and i hate that.


i still want a tattoo to commemorate the baby. i almost hope not to get pregnant this month so i can just bloody well do it.


i'm still not sure where to put it. i know what i'm going to have, but it involves shading, and i need to find a tattoo artist i can really trust, and i'm not sure if the one my friend uses is really good at shading and i need someone who's really good at shading. (he hasn't got any tatts with shading like this that i know of.)

i think it would help. having something visible on my body. something that has changed.


the main thing that's unrecognisable is my life.

i never used to sit still.

i always used to have something going on.

open university courses. volunteering. meeting friends for lunch or tea. writing, of course.

my husband couldn't keep up. it wasn't entirely unknown for him to get home from work and have no idea where i was. usually because he wasn't listening when i told him, but that's not the point.

and now? i never go anywhere. i never do anything.

well, occasionally i go into town or for a meal with D. or sometimes my parents take me for a meal when they're around.

and very occasionally, these days, i go for lunch with a friend or two.

but mostly, i stay home.

i email friends, sometimes. mainly online ones ironically (although even the online ones are neglected). the real-life ones are mainly sadly neglected.

i don't reply to comments on here as much as i want to.

the photo site - the one i love and enjoy - well. i just can't bring myself to act like i'm ok and post a photo a day.

(i should ask if someone wants to take it over on a short term basis.)

i sometimes text real-life friends.

i promise to meet them, but i don't.

i don't want to.

i just want to stay home with D.

i just want to be here with D and my baby. getting used to caring for a baby that is really ours.

like it should have been.

like it's not.


my best friend (J)'s girlfriend keeps joking that we can have her baby.*

she has no concept of what dangling something we want so badly under our noses does to me.

we joke about it too. 'we've got her on board! we just have to persuade J'.

god. if only it was that simple.

i love her baby. he is beautiful. he smiles when we come into the room. he fell asleep in D's arms on friday night. he fell asleep in my arms on saturday.

(he never falls asleep anywhere but his dad's arms usually.)

she wants us to be his godparents.

i want to be his mum.

i would. in a heartbeat.


i wish she meant it.


she's one of only two people we really see on any kind of regular basis. we only see her because she's our best friend's girlfriend. there's a whole backstory that involves her being D's ex girlfriend from 11 years ago.

(it's even more ridiculous a situation than it sounds but i can't be bothered to explain right now.)

i kind of tune her out when she says insensitive stuff. 'who'd have kids?!', what kind of thing. i kind of expect it.

but it's hard. really, really hard. to see her. to see her and her kids. to see what she has.

to see what i want, so badly.

to see what i don't have.


*incidentally, i have a best male friend and a best female friend. both have the initial J. this is annoying when blogging. oh well.


therootofallevel said...

the hub and i were just talking about memorial tattoos for our son. we're both heavily tattooed as it is, but are finding it heart crushing to come up with ideas. you see so many people with their babies hand or footprint tattoos, but they are always living children. i sometimes wonder if memorial tattoos for our dead children will scare people like seeing pictures of them?

Illanare said...

I'm planning on getting a memorial tattoo as well but want to find a place I can go where they will be able to ink what I want without asking too many whys.

Thinking of you. I may not comment as much as I would like, but I'm always here, listening.

lis said...

i went back and forth about a memorial tattoo too, i think have decided on two hummingbirds. not sure if you have those? well they are the tiniest little things and as soon as you spot one, they buzz away. fitting, i think, though it will have to wait for a while. i know that i don't want their footprints or names.

i want you to know that it's okay for you to grieve. take this time and rebuild your emotional strength. the day will come when you are busier that you know. but now, this is the only memorial your baby will have and it is okay to let yourself mourn. the tide will slowly begin to turn but you have to stop beating yourself up for being sad. it's only natural my love.