Thursday, 3 June 2010


people who get to have living kids:

  • my friend's girlfriend who drank and smoked heavily all the way through her pregnancy (and, i believe, her previous pregnancies too).
  • the girl who used to be a friend of mine, who posted on a facebook event we were both invited to that she and her husband 'aren't planning on bringing the bairns instead plan is to dump them to dance the night (sic) in some dodgy nightclub'.
her baby is six. weeks. old. she was only three weeks or so ahead of me.
  • some random woman in the supermarket who had two girls with her, maybe 7 and 8 years old. one was wearing red knee high boots with kitten heels; the other was wearing silver glitter court stiletto shoes that must have been at least three sizes too big.
my mum would only let me wear Clarks shoes when i was growing up. even startrite were considered too risky. couldn't risk damaging my feet when i was so young.

people who don't get to have living kids:

well. me. and many of those lovely people over there (points to the right). lis. illanare. sarah. loads of other people. i can't link everyone or i'll be here all night.

i've said it before and i'll say it again for the record: i don't begrudge anyone their living children and i would never, never wish this pain on anyone else.

but jesus.

it still feels like a punch right in the gut.


Illanare said...

Yep. A breath-taking, heart-clenching, never-ending punch in the gut.

lis said...

I agree with you girls-i used to be able to breathe. I can't breathe anymore. Hoping and feeling safe that bad things won't happen is a thing of the past. I'm bitter and I'm sad. I never begrudge people their children, and truth be told, I don't want their babies. I want my babies and I'm so scared ill never have them.

biojen said...

My sister-in-law who never wanted any of her three children, nearly starved the baby to death and has turned her oldest daughter into a sociopath.

Yeah, it's so damn unfair. Even more so for those trying so hard for their first. Does this mean we get a great afterlife?

Miss Ruby said...

Yes it does feel like a big punch in the gut and it never goes...


Catherine W said...

It is unfair, terribly unfair. I feel guilty that I have a living child sometimes. As though I walked away from a plane crash.

I wish there was some relationship between want, parenting ability and deserving-ness (although who would decide all this is beyond me) and the ability to have children. But there simply isn't.

B said...

catherine, please, PLEASE don't feel guilty. i don't begrudge anyone their living children - even these people, not really. i just don't see how it's fair that i don't have my own child here with me.

i don't think it's fair that you only have one of your girls there with you.

miss ruby, it's just not fair. i feel that i should be able to say something more profound. but all i can come up with is 'it's not fair'.

jen, that is horrendous. i can't even imagine. we'd better bloody get a great afterlife after all this....

lis, i hope so badly that you get your own babies one day.

illanare... i wish i could make it ok for you. i wish i could bring your babies back. i really do.

hugs to all of you